No, he’s not referring to your balls. He’s referring to the hooters on the girl closest to you.

I’m betting that’s happened to all of you a couple of times, right? <staring> Right? Well, that’s okay. You don’t have to admit it. This isn’t about you anyway. It’s just that one of my best friends is heading over this weekend with his absolutely charming girlfriend and we’re heading to the MotorCity Comicon in Novi. Once there, we’ll allow the little people to mingle with us whilst we shop, look for cool little things to put on our shelves, check out the latest rare posters from our childhood and, of course, mingle with a few celebrities. Yes, I’ve met my fair share of them over the years and the overwhelming majority of them are honestly quite sweet…when they’re looking at you. At least when the men are looking at you.

Richard Hatch and Kage Alan...sans any boobage

I remember meeting Richard Hatch. No, not that Richard Hatch. He wouldn’t be looking at boobage. I mean the Richard Hatch from the original (and latest) Battlestar Galactica. I met him in Novi and noticed the line leading up to him tended to move in spurts. Male fans? The line moved quickly. Female fans? Bottleneck! What could it be? Were his female fans simply inundating him with far more intelligent questions that those of us mere male fanboys? I decided to get closer and listen in.

“Why, yes, they are nice, aren’t they?”

They could have been talking about the display of photos he was signing, but I wasn’t convinced. It became imperative that I test my theory…once I had one. Well, as it turned out–and this is just between you and me–I ran into him at DragonCon after he showed the preview for Battlestar Galactica: The Second Coming. Richard had brought along a couple of galleys of his latest novel and mentioned he’d sell them if folks were interested. They were and so was I, so the other nameless faceless people in the fan world don’t count. It’s about me. Me…me…me. It was also the perfect opportunity to test my theory!

I approached him, politely of course, and expressed interest in acquiring one of the signed galleys.

“What?” He turned back to me.
“I’d like to buy one of the galleys,” I repeated.
“What?” He turned back to me.
“I’d like to buy one of the galleys,” I repeated what I’d already repeated.
“What?” He turned back to me.

What the f**k was he looking at when he wasn’t turning and looking at me??? I turned and found my chief of security, Miss Jenn-Jenn, and her friend, Ra-Ra, standing patiently off to the side. They were waiting for me, but in their tight Stargate uniforms they’d worn that day for the convention, they were giving Richard two sets of boobage to look at.

“I said I’d like to buy a galley!” Hello? Annoyed, table for one.
“Hello, ladies,” Richard smiled and walked over to them.
“Are you f***ing kidding me?”

And so it went with Richard and every time I’ve seen him since. Oh, I did get my galley. The problem is I just never read it. The thought of picking up a manuscript written by a man who enjoys drowning in an expansive sea of tits just puts me off, damn it. They’re there. So what?

The funny thing is that there’s a WWF wrestler, Virgil, who attends the MotorCity Comicon and DragonCon and he’s ALWAYS looking at Miss Jenn-Jenn’s ample cleavage. We thought it was just a fluke the first time, but then he kept doing it, even after we ran into him at DragonCon. He can’t help himself! I even suggested to Jenn-Jenn today that she ought to charge him $20 for a signed picture. She likes the idea! She could potentially make more money doing that than I do in book royalties. Queue the wtf look.

These two aren’t the only ones who demonstrate this kind of behavior either. If you ever go to one of these conventions, watch the male celebrities. Watch them around bodacious ta-tas. Their eyes are transfixed. They become mesmerized. They want to see them. It’s alllll about the boobage.

Makes me glad I’m gay.

________________________

Kage Alan is  Night Wolf watching, Adam Lambert  listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” Oh, let’s just say it…he’s bloody tired tonight and his allergies are threatening to make an appearance. It’s annoying, really, and work isn’t helping. Still, you have to admit that this was a damn amusing blog post today.

What’s my story going to be? I don’t have a title for it yet, but I do have two different ideas I’m mulling over. There’s a science fiction trilogy I’ve wanted to write for the last couple of years and the characters are in my head, so this might be a nice way of introducing a pre-story to the actual novel I’ve not yet written. We’ll see. Rest assured considering the title of the anthology, I’ll be writing a comedic piece. Surprised? I thought not.

Moving along here, I have something I’d like to throw out to all of you. I mentioned last week that I’d intended on writing  a post titled The Face of Gay. In retrospect, I’m glad I sat on the idea for another week because it really opened up in my mind. Here’s what I want to do.

The odds of the GLBT community being dragged through the mud more so than usual in the coming year are pretty darn good. There remains a number of misconceptions about us as a whole and about those who open-mindedly and willingly support us. I want to put a face on us and I think I can help with that using this blog. So, I’d like to start featuring one person a week who’s willing to open up and talk about their lives in a way that makes readers realize that we’re not all that different. We all have jobs, we all watch movies, we all listen to music, we all laugh, we all hurt and we all love. In the end, who we love consists of the same feelings everyone else has. We all have a story. What would you tell those who know very little about us except what our opposition says?

I open this up to everybody in the GLBT community and the many straight friends and supporters we have. If you’re not comfortable using your actual name, then I’d be fine with that, too. It may even be part of the story you tell as to why. I’d love it if I could post a photo of you, too.

So, if you’re interested, please give me a shout using my contact page. I’d really like to see where this goes.

Until Thursday,

Kage

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Kage Alan is  Grand Canyon watching, Bonnie Tyler  listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He doesn’t think he’d make a very convincing pirate. He’ll, he not thrilled with going out in the ocean because of the film JAWS. Somewhere out there is a shark with his name on it and being a pirate only increases the odds that they’d one day meet. And while we’re at it, international flights don’t thrill him either. If a plane ever went down, it’d make a noise and the shark might hear it.

Just a quick update and I say quick because I’m on cold medication, packing, cooking and trying to finish an episode of CSI.  Pookie and I are off to Palm Springs tomorrow for their Pride Fest.  It’s a 2-day book signing and I’ll be in the company of Christopher Rice (I’ve even read “The Snow Garden”), Leslie Jordan (from Will & Grace) and many others.  It’s the first time I’ve heard of so many gay authors being in one place for a Pride Fest, so I’m really looking forward to this.  Am also looking forward to spending a few quality days with Pookie in a hotel waiting on him hand and foot. Then, of course, there was this…

You want the Lord of the Loins? You got it!

I received the coolest e-mail earlier today from a gentleman in Germany of all places.

“Hi,

I just read “A Funny Thing…”. Well it is bad, another writer on my
already too long shortlist of names to look out for for
Thank you so much for a book that is really worth reading!

Greetings from Germany
Sven

P.S.: I would write more, but I’ll have to read “Andy Stevenson vs.
The Lord of the Loins” now

Who the heck knew somebody would see it all the way overseas?  And he’s going to read the sequel?  A man after my own heart!  Isn’t Sven a Swedish name, though?  I thought it might be a joke at first played by my friend Thuan.  He’d make a simple mistake like that.  He’s also play a joke like that on me just because I tell everybody he’s Korean when he’s actually Vietnamese…  Bitch bitch bitch.

I’ll see about taking some pictures to post once I return.

Ciao!

Kage

________________________

Kage Alan is  Ninja 3: The Domination watching, Dragonforce listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” There should totally have been more ninja possession movies. Call them what you will…absurd, ridiculous, farfetched and borderline insulting…someone actually came up with this shit and it’s still mildly entertaining. I said MILDLY.

This whole thing scares me. We’ve been asking for recognition for a long time now and suddenly we’ve been given a chance for it. There’s no guarantee that gay marriage will be granted even if Obama wins a second term, but we’re a step closer to the dream. We asked for this and now it’s a reality. We have the support of the president.

In giving it, Obama drew a line in the sand. This is now a party fight and a single choice for us; Democrat leadership or Republican leadership. Pro-gay or anti-gay. There doesn’t seem to be any middle ground anymore. We also know that if Mitt Romney wins, he’ll do everything in his power not only to make any future gay marriages illegal, but most likely find a way to nullify those that have been done. I fear this election won’t be so much about budgets and deficits as it will about civil rights and religion.

But I’ll tell you what terrifies me and I mean terrifies me to the bone. The GLBT community is about to get dragged through the mud. This battle, and it is a battle, has the potential to be a wholesale slaughter. People are going to bring out the arguments that gays are trying to indoctrinate children into the gay lifestyle (especially going through schools), that the Bible speaks out against homosexuality (naturally, let’s pick and choose what we want to believe from the good book), that we are depraved and sick sinners, and you know someone is going to bring animals into the argument (probably as a “What’s next? Marrying your dog?”).

Have a look at what’s already been said within an hour of the president’s announcement.

From CNN:
“All homosexuals and trannys need to be exiled from America this plague has to be removed like you remove a tumor that’s causing cancer from this geat country we call America before our kids are poisoned by this abomination. All those who sympathize with and encourage homosexuality should be imprisoned for blasphemy against God.”  (kstaxx)

“…Republicans recognize the importance of having in the home a father and a mother who are married. The two-parent family still provides the best environment of stability, discipline, responsibility, and character. Children in homes without fathers are more likely to commit a crime, drop out of school, become violent, become teen parents, use illegal drugs, become mired in poverty, or have emotional or behavioral problems.”  Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus

This is the tiniest sampling of what we’re in for. People haven’t had time to organize yet and when they do, it’s going to get a lot worse before it ever gets better. I’m a big boy and I can take a lot, but I worry about our youth. Do you think bullying won’t intensify? Do you think name calling won’t get worse? Do you think that the suicide rate won’t spike? It all may very well come true and I’m not trying to be a doomsayer. I’m trying to prepare myself for what’s to come and figure out what I can do to help. We’re going to have to educate people who don’t understand us that we’re no different.

I posted a link to President Obama’s announcement on my Facebook page yesterday and touched on some of my fears. A straight acquaintance sent me a message a short time later that does give me hope.

“I don’t comment on political posts on FB mainly because I tend to be put thru the ringer for my beliefs. Some people assume because I am a Christian and a Republican than I am a greedy bigot. I use the term Republican loosely these days though since I am mainly a Republican on economic issues and it seems the party is being hijacked. Anyhow, just wanted you to know that you have some support from those of us on the right.”

This is an important reminder to all of us that not all people who associate themselves with a particular political party or religion believe everything their base does. We need each other, but we also need their help if we’re going to get through this.

I wasn’t around for Stonewall and for others who weren’t either, maybe this is our little bit of gay history in the making.

So…what can I do to help?

One of the happiest moments in my life.

________________________

Kage Alan is  Rocky IV watching, Wynter Gordon  listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He fully expects to be laying in bed the next couple of nights terrified out of his mind at the political battle about to happen. Still, he’s hopeful for the best.

T.C. Blue and Kage Alan

T.C. Blue and I shared a table selling books and we had the distinct pleasure to be right next to the USS Enterprise’s Chief Cosmetology Officer, Moxie Magnus. If you’ve never seen Moxie before, do look her up. She’s fabulously funny and knows how to work a crowd! We’ll definitely be watching for her at DragonCon. Now, what else? Oh, I did participate in three panel discussions (Gay Romance Vs. M4M, LGBT Literature and Social Media In 2012). Several folks did many more, only I wanted to make sure I was able to man the table to chat with people and sell some books.

Speaking of potential customers, some of the folks who came by the table were so adorable! We had two baby gays who stopped by (T.C. and I are guessing they were maybe 19 or 20). They acted like one of those new couples who you could tell were going at it like mad behind closed doors, but who didn’t want to be seen as a serious couple because they were still trying to define what they meant to each other. I looked at them and asked:

The Social Media 2012 Panel! (Paul Bright, Kage Alan, Eugie Foster, Kayelle Allen and Shae Connor)

“How long have you two been together.”
“Oh,” they both stammered, “we’re not together.”
“Okay,” I countered. “So how long have you not been together?”
“Since March.”

Yeah, uh, huh. Or as Pookie’s best friend Miss Kim says, “They’re f*****g.” The one kept trying to buy Gaylias for the other one, only the other one stated he didn’t like to read. However, if the one who wanted to buy the book would read it to him, he’d allow him to buy it for him. It was almost completely cute had it not been for the fact I now really wanted to sell the book. I didn’t. But they were still cute. But I’m still slightly miffed they didn’t buy a book. But I’ll get over it. But still slightly miffed. heh heh

The big highlight for me was finally meeting a ton of authors who I’ve been chatting with online for the last year or two or who I’ve seen at places like DragonCon and never had the chance to really introduce myself. Talk about an incredible bunch! There’s Lee Martindale (and her husband George 2 or George 7…we’re still trying to figure out which model he was), Kiernan Kelly and her husband (whose designation on his badge read Kiernan’s Stud), Shae Connor, J.P. Barnaby, Kayelle Allen (and her husband), Huschicho and Eugie Foster. I even met GLBT film director/actor/writer Paul Bright.

Kage Alan and writer/reviewer Tom Webb

I gotta give some credit not only to the staff of OutlantaCon (especially Michael and Edward), but also to the folks at the Holiday Inn Select-Perimeter. They were some of the most courteous I’ve come across in a long time. Even the evil Lisa who took care of us in the hotel restaurant kept us in stitches!

Equal to all of that, though, is I really needed to get the heck out of town for a couple of days and just remove myself from everything. Oh, I called home and checked in on everybody, but I needed some space. There’s only so long you can treat your life like a ping pong game before you need to remove yourself from the situation and recharge your batteries. It also reinvigorated me in a way that makes me realize I need to be writing full time, even while helping with dad. I only have so much time in this world and I know where my calling is. Well, you know, when that calling isn’t New Release Blu-Ray Tuesday at Best Buy. which just makes me realize a tiny bit as to why I have a day job.

See you next year, OutlantaCon! And I’ll be seeing some of my new friends at DragonCon in four months.

________________________

Kage Alan is  The Avengers watching, Ryan Farish  listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He was expecting OutlantaCon to be a hustling and bustling convention the likes of DragonCon, but was surprised and delighted by just how relaxing it really was. He needed it. And he wasn’t even around any Blu-Rays!

No, not really.  The witch would have them banned even if the character of Andy was a moose-killing, hockey-watching, football-TV-yelling, oil-drilling-in-the-Alaskan-refuge soccer-dad with his obviously adopted Himalayan whistle children.  Don’t you just love Tina Fey?

Okay, just a short one today since I’m:

1) Still getting ready for honorable mother-in-law’s visit on Tuesday (no, not the Grandmonster)
2) Recovering from my trip to Grand Rapids last week (still a shade of red from being sunburned…my partner reminded too late yet again that I’m white)
3) Gearing up for the Milwaukee signing on the 18th (Wisconsin is known for its cheese, right?) and
4) Mentally gearing up for the 2-day signing in Palm Springs during their Pride Fest over Halloween weekend.

Ooh, the Gaydarnation interview has been posted!  Woo hoo!  I had a blast working with them and I think a playful side of me comes through pretty well.

Another review of “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” has also been posted on Rainbow Reviews.

Or you can simply pick up the book and read it for yourself.
Come on.  You know you wanna!

Off to watch “Feast II: Sloppy Seconds” with my Chief of Security.

Ciao,

Kage

________________________

Kage Alan is  The Gun In Betty Lou’s Handbag watching, Animotion listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” Does anybody else think that Cathy Moriarty should get more roles? Not only do I LOVE listening to her voice, but the woman is gold in any comedic role she’s in. Definitely love her!

It sounds a little like a young adult novel, doesn’t it? But there are two catches. The first is that the young man has two bouts with leukemia before it comes back at age nineteen with a hellish vengeance. The second catch is that this story is real. His name is Kristopher James Keith and he passed away last Sunday.


I met Kristopher online through a friend of mine, Holly, who’d become his cyber mom. He opened up a month or so after we started talking about his life to date and I had no idea how to react. It wasn’t because I thought ill of him. I didn’t. I didn’t know how to react because compared to him, my problems were nothing. The most amazing thing is that Kristopher never pitied himself, never felt sorry for himself, and never thought for a second that anybody else should either. He was a believer in the good in people, something many of us lose in time.

We had many discussions about food–he always provided the most amazing menus each and every day!–and literature. I was amazed at how knowledgeable he was and what a zest for life he possessed. And when Kristopher asked if he could list me as his Uncle on Facebook, it gave me a really warm feeling. I’m not an uncle to anyone, at least not in a genetic sense, but he made me feel like one and made a habit of calling me Uncle Kage. I’ve mentioned this before in blog posts, but a co-worker/friend once told me “People won’t remember you for what you did. They’ll remember you for how you made them feel.” Kristopher made every life he touched feel special and he asked nothing in return.

There’s another quote that comes to mind and I honestly don’t know its origin. I only know it from a movie. “The light that burns half as long burns twice as bright.” His life burned three times brighter and I believe he did more living in his young life than many of us have at twice his age.

One of the last conversations we had was about marriage. His boyfriend, G, wanted to get married and Kristopher wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about it. I shared my own wedding video with him and his response was “I’m so happy for the both of you; and I hope it lasts a lifetime and longer. Thanks for sharing the video…it was beautiful and it made me cry. LOL, but it was also funny cause you were a nervous wreck!!” I honestly think he’d have married G given a little more time. Unfortunately, time was not on his side and I think he instinctively knew that, which may have contributed to his hesitation. He also started distancing himself from many close folks a little at a time and now we know why.

I truly believe Kristopher knew that this battle with cancer would be his final one. Rather than have us all worry and wonder, he gave us one last selfless gift to save us from something none of us could change. And he was right to do so. There were so many things in life that were beyond his control, yet he chose to shield us from this because he could. This is the man he became.

I’ll leave you now with a message G posted on Kristopher’s Facebook page. He had G write it down before he passed and I believe it beautifully sums up everything that was positive about his outlook on life and of himself. My heart goes out to G, to Kristopher’s second family and all those who knew him. He will be missed.

“Don’t worry about me because I’ll be fine…I’m always fine. It’ll be interesting to see where this journey I’m on takes me next. I hope I remember all of you in the next phase of my life because you all were great fb family and friends, and I would never want to forget you. Thank you for being part of my life. Lotsa hugs and love!! ~Kristopher

________________________

Kage Alan is  the Rocky III watching, Paul Stanley  listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He is very much looking forward to arriving safe and sound in Atlanta for OutlantaCon and having a fantabulous weekend!

Trips overseas amount to close to the same thing, only I started rebelling the last couple of times. We take our own suitcases, so I simply have mine packed a couple of days before we head over. Then, the day before we come back, I’m packed by 3 p.m. Why? Because I get to enjoy my time prior to leaving without staying up until all hours of the night and being a complete and total zombie the next day. This appeals to my guy, though. Not only can he sleep on a plane (I can’t), but he now waits for me to go to bed, opens my packed suitcases and proceeds to repack them in such away that I’m carrying much of the crap he didn’t realize he bought and can’t fit into his suitcase.

You can imagine the look of surprise on my face when I get back home and can’t find half the shit I’m looking for because it’s in his suitcase.

I’m pretty sure I thought about this today because I’m almost done packing for OutlantaCon, which I’m leaving for on Thursday. I got the suitcase out, gathered all the clothes that don’t need washing, chose the books I’m bringing, handpicked the suggestive nightwear in case the hubby’s able to join me, the Gay Sex card deck if the hubby is able to join me, the personal lotion in case he doesn’t, charged the camera, charged the Bloggie, and printed out all my itineraries/reservation information.

Now if only I can get through the next couple of days. What to do…what to do… Maybe I can get that personal lotion out. Anyone care to remind me to pack it just in case?

________________________

Kage Alan is  the Secondhand Lions watching, Abba listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He is breathing a HUGE sigh of relief now that fellow author and DragonCon hanger-outer T.C. Blue has agreed to be his bodyguard at OutlantaCon. Ain’t nobody getting past her! It’s good to have friends who care about you. =)

Happy October!

This is my favorite time of year to get some writing done and, also, you guessed it, watch horror movies!  This time, though, I thought I’d shake things up a little, jiggle it all to the right instead of the left, aim for the middle instead of the sides or backsplash…you get the idea…and…  Where the hell was I?  Right, I was playing with it.  I mean, well, I’m taking it up…um…to a new level.  Oh, let me explain.

Halloween is just around the corner and I thought I’d share some Halloween film suggestions for that night…if you’re toasted!  Yes, there’s a catch because there’s nothing more fun after finishing up a festive evening of trick or treating (or just generally tricking if you’re some of my friends), kicking back in a chair because your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend has gone to bed without you (a regular occurrence if you’re my brother-in-law), tipping back a glass of wine…or beer…or whatever you grabbed that has alcohol content in it and looking for something to pop in the DVD player since it’s likely the only thing in your home to experience any popping the rest of the evening.

Are you ready?  Here we go!

The First Four of Kage’s Horrific Picks:

1  Dracula 3000
It’s not a sequel to “Dracula 2000″ or a prequel to “3000 Miles To Graceland”, but it does make “10,000 BC” look like a modern day “2001″.  If you’re not sure what that meant, think of Casper Van Dien in a good movie and then hold that thought because one good movie is about all he’s ever done.  Whichever one you chose, I can guarantee you that “Dracula 3000″ is not that movie.  Think Dracula in space.  Think a motley crew finding Dracula on a deserted spaceship.  Think Coolio running around with a pair of fangs spouting profanity while Dracula screams like a little beyotch when he gets hurt.  Think so low budget that they didn’t even have enough money to end it properly.  It just…ends.  However, your buzz continues.

2 Amityville 3-D
A movie perfect for homemade nachos and gastrointestinal flatulence!  Forget the typically crappy Full Screen version they released in the states.  There’s a British DVD that’s actually in 3-D!!!  You’ll be so intent on watching tree branches and flies reaching for your cornea that it’ll never occur to you just how horrific the chemistry is between what’s-his-name and what’s-her-face (Tony Roberts and Candy Clark) as they unravel some sort of nonsense about cold breezes, malfunctioning elevators and why Meg Ryan accepted a role that Nora Ephron didn’t write for her.  And there’s a commentary!!!

3 Mangler 2
Another DTV DVD release!  It’s C-R-A-P.  We may be treated to an underwhelming sequel that has nothing to do with the not-as-underwhelming original, but we are given Lance Henrickson in a supporting role.  A computer virus takes control of a school and start killing off some of the students in uninteresting ways.  No sex.  No boobs.  And the only peckers are the ones who bought the DVD.  One would be me.   Oh, and Artisan screwed up the transfer and deleted a couple minutes of footage, which really adds to the natural confusion of watching this semi-tanked.  Much better after a few shots of Jagermeister.  Just ask my honorable adopted little brother who refuses to come visit his big brother and go Christmas shopping with him.

4 Voodoo Academy
Charles Band had no idea what he was in for when he gave David DeCoteau the go-ahead for this little film that’s a generic substitute for Viagra.  Imagine…a sorceress or witch or Alaska governor running for Vice-President…or some other sneaky individual with bad intentions who needs to sacrifice the young men at a Bible school for her own nefarious needs.  Well, instead of women being exploited, the buff male students chafe themselves senseless while sleeping and touching themselves in a Voodoo-induced slumber.  And that leads to…I mean things escalate when…  Oh, who cares.  Cute guys touch themselves.  Just remember to watch the DVD version, which contains 23 minutes of additional self-pleasuring.

And speaking of self-pleasuring, I’ll be posting additional reviews during the month, so please check back in.

Until then, pretend I signed off saying something witty.

Kage

PS  Anybody have any favorite bad flicks of your own?

________________________

Kage Alan is  Vision Quest watching, Vangelis listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He’s looking forward to being in Atlanta next weekend at OutlantaCon where he’ll be sharing a few Pepsis with T.C. Blue and causing all sorts of mischief. Ah, Atlanta…

1) Hot pretzel sticks with cheddar cheese.

2) CDs Vs Digital downloads
Sure, some artists like Ryan Farish–hello, Elmer!–only release digitally (though Amazon will create CDs for you if you like), but my preference remains to have a disc, case and booklet in my hands. I think if more albums came with digital booklets, I might be inclined to give them more of a chance. Until then, buggar off if you don’t like the fact I still buy CDs. Ya hear that, Hoffman?

3) Haagen-Dazs Macadamia Nut ice cream
Something had to take the place of my Friendly’s Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Sundaes, especially since all the Friendly’s in Michigan closed. I was in Japan for my first trip there ever and came across the Macadamia Nut ice cream. Pookie wondered what all the fuss was about (I may have been moaning in ecstasy and it wasn’t because he’d thrown me a bone…or…you know…), so he gave it a try. He moaned. We both moaned. The Grandmonster had to stop us out of fear because she didn’t know what was going on. We asked if she wanted to try it, but it had been a couple hundred decades since she’d moaned, so she passed. I’ve only ever found this flavor in Japan and Hong Kong.

4) Better Made Red Hot Potato Chips
Ever go through that “MINE!” phase? You see something shiny and you immediately shout out “MINE!”? Or you’re in Jr. High and your friend strips in front of you, so you softly, but emphatically, tell him “MINE!”? When it came to snacks when I was growing up, I wanted something only I would enjoy, something that nobody else would touch, even the dog. These things were delicious! And they were MINE! I also say they “were” delicious because they’ve changed the recipe since then all they do is give me friggin’ heartburn.

5) Coney Island hot dogs
I could be in a kinky underwear store in Hong Kong, flipping through a catalog of adult videos or standing in the shower with my Pookie, and I’ll always be thinking about eating a hot dog. Eerie, isn’t it? The only way to satisfy that craving is to head out to a Coney Island and indulge. Fries and a Pepsi, please!

6) Cannolis from Tringali’s
When it comes to Italians, there’s only one I want in my mouth! Er…let me rephrase that. When it comes to Italian desserts, specifically cannolis, there’s only one I want in my mouth; Tringali’s. This Warren, Michigan, store has the best I’ve ever had hands down and legs up. It’s probably some of the worst service EVER, but the cannolis are to die for. If you ever want a piece of Heaven in your mouth, come see me.

7) Hanging out with GA Hauser
Pookie loves any TV show or movie featuring a woman with an attitude who can kick anybody’s ass. We now enjoy hanging out with them, too, and one in particular. If you ever want to have balls-to-the-wall fun, enjoy good food, good beer and brilliant snarkiness, then you need to hang with GA. And her books? Orgasmic. Macadamia Nut Ice Cream orgasmic! Same color, too. Funny that.

Laser Tag
Laser Tag turns grown men and women into larger than life action heroes! One friend went from “Dude, I feel totally stupid!” to Steven Seagal (the thin years) in under 60 seconds. I turned my very own Pookie into “This is so lame” to “I got shot by Party Princess? Where is the little (expletive)?” Oh, yes. It turns you away from the good side of the Force.

9) Horror movies
Mom blames dad for taking me to see these. Dad used to blame mom because she wouldn’t go to see them with him after The Exorcist. My next door neighbor and surrogate grandmother to me loved them. It just became inevitable that I’d love them, too. The hubby? A complete and total wuss about them. Yes, sweetie. You go watch The Golden Girls and Designing Women. I’ll be watching House By The Cemetery and Prince of Darkness.

10)   Blu-Rays
Naaa.

Right, enough about me. How about you? Any guilty pleasures out there you’d like to share?

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Kage Alan is  the Vision Quest watching, Cinema Bizarre listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He’s not fond of lists or blog posts about lists unless they can be made fun and have an equally amusing opening paragraph. Then he likes them. But only once in a while.