Kage Alan Blog

“Would you take me for a walk?” and “I’d appreciate it if we could go for a ride” are the two most common things I hear from my father these days. And like Richard Marx, he won’t give up until he’s satisfied. That’s a reference to a song by Richard Marx for all of you in the One Direction generation who don’t know who Richard Marx is. And for all of you older kids from the Richard Marx generation (like myself), One Direction is another new boy band. Anyway, mom and I took dad on a 9+ hour drive last weekend to Tennessee for an army reunion and we ran into a few things we weren’t entirely anticipating. Allow me to say at this point that it’s a good thing we can have a sense of humor about it.
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My father may not have stormed the beach at Normandy like Teddy Duchamp’s dad allegedly did in Stand By Me, but he did serve in the military. I bring this up because there was a reunion this past weekend in Nashville for folks who served back then at a base in Germany. Mom really wanted to go since she’d gotten in contact with some of these men years back before dad succumbed to the ravages of Alzheimer’s. She wanted to see them, they wanted to see her and dad, and wouldn’t it be nice if dad had a chance to visit with them? Unfortunately, it was a 9+ hour drive. Might I consider going with them and helping with the driving? Also…um…<pointing to my wedding ring>…some of them might not be comfortable with that. Welcome to the road trip from hell. Now, allow me to break it down for you…
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Have you ever had too much of a good thing? I never used to believe I could because things always somehow managed to stay fresh.  But, in the last couple of years, it felt a bit of a stretch to attend conventions without a slight “been there/seen that” feeling. It got to the point where I nearly reconsidered attending DragonCon this year after a lackluster Motor City Comicon back in May. Kinda just felt like I’d been there and seen that. This trip, however, was exactly what I needed. My honorable adopted little brother and his husband joined me and I introduced them to the magic I’d started to take for granted. I’m grinning right now because we had an absolute blast!
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DragonCon is a fascinating experience, especially when it comes to documenting it and also getting online to check one’s email. Unlike other hotels that offer free wireless, the Hyatt where I stay doesn’t. And, naturally, the first message I looked at had the subject line “6 Local Girls Want To Meet You.” I’m sure they do, but the feeling isn’t mutual. And if they persist, I’ll simply tell Patricia Logan about them and she’ll have them knocked off. If Patti can’t have me, no woman can. And no woman can. Steven Yeun can. Hell, he damn near almost did. Unfortunately, the line for his signature was too long and totally missed out finding out all this could have been his last night. Hey, he’s on a series. He could have afforded to pay the hubby off for a night he wouldn’t have forgotten. But enough about his loss…
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Okay, we’re going to go with asking you to pretend you hear Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice speaking as Carrie Bradshaw again for the start of this. Ready? Here we go…

“There are three life changing events during a New York male’s life. The first is discovering he has a penis, the second is when he learns the value of his penis and the third is when he actually goes out and starts using his penis. From then on, it’s a rat race, gay or straight, to see just how many admirers of his penis he can accumulate. And if by chance he finds he’s attracted to and compatible with one specific woman’s anatomy or one specific man’s penis, love can occur. Sometimes, this love can even result in marriage!”

Me again, so you can stop pretending to hear Sarah Jessica’s voice.
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Pretend for a moment that you can hear Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice as Carrie Bradshaw.

“New York City is home to some amazing places and amazing people! If you have a taste for something, then there’s probably three restaurants that offer it within a few blocks of wherever you happen to be. If you want to see something out of the ordinary, just stop in front of Madison Square Garden where all sorts of colorful folks can be found yelling at whatever the little voices in their head are telling them is wrong. And if you want to go shopping, there’s always Macy’s, even during a holiday like July 4th! It brings out mobs of shoppers, especially in 98 degree weather, and also one Detroit-based author who didn’t appreciate being surrounded, pushed, prodded (though he may enjoyed that), and otherwise inconvenienced by shoppers while he tried to locate his husband. In fact, if you listened–and you didn’t even need to listen carefully–you could sometimes hear his voice above the others.”

Get the (expletive) out of my (expletive) way! (expletive) people have nothing (expletive) better to do on an (expletive) holiday? This is (expletive)!

Okay, now you can stop imagining Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice.
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I’ve had a pet side-project I’ve been wanting to work on for the last two years and I finally started it over the weekend. For those of you who haven’t already seen them, I scanned in and posted on Facebook a substantial number of pictures from over the years and there’s a huge number of them left to go. Going through them has not only been a bit nostalgic, but it’s also served as a reminder of who I am today based on where I’ve been. So, I figured I’d scan a few more in today as a teaser of things to come that aren’t currently posted anywhere yet. I also suspect it’ll give me a few stories to share in blog posts. And speaking of sharing, I’m including a little note at the end here that I sent out last week just before I left work for the last time. Want to know how somebody who writes comedy signs off? You will. (more…)

It’s kind of a curse. I do a signing at a bookstore and it closes within 2-5 years. I’ve really been putting it to the test lately, too. Wanna be snarky with me when I call to set something up? Go ahead. I’ll do whatever I can to get in your store, then your days are numbered! (cue maniacal laughter) So I figure attending a gay convention is the way to break a curse, especially one in Atlanta. These people really know how to throw a party! Unfortunately, so did everybody else in the Atlanta GLBT community, prompting the GA Voice to call it the “Gayest Weekend Ever?” Between of the Woman’s Music in the Mountains, Cinco de Mayo, 25th Annual HRC Dinner, the Pet Coalition and so much more, peeps had choices. We don’t like that. We know they want us! So we went to Plan B.
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One of my more charming qualities is that I’ve grown a bit anal over the years. No, not that kind of anal. That’s a given. I mean the other kind of anal, the almost over-preparedness kind of anal. I refer to it as charming because it’s afforded me many a good night of sleep instead of complete and total panic the next day or morning of. A good night of sleep enhances one’s mood and allows them to be charming if they so choose. I’ve chosen. I chose. I continue to choose. My husband is not one of these people. He much prefers the less-than-prepared way of doing things. Why? I suppose it gives him a sense of accomplishment knowing he’s done something successfully at the last minute. Well, he calls it successful. I usually want to wrap my hands around his cute, adorable little throat and squeeze.
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One of the highlights of being a G-list celebrity–not my term–is the privacy you’re given whenever doing public appearances. I mean, sure, those of you who hang with Dorien Grey know that he just has to walk into a bookstore and people flock to him. It probably doesn’t hurt that he wears a t-shirt with “The Man” with an arrow pointing up and “The Legend” with an arrow pointing down. One of my own favorite t-shirts is one with a cartoon face on it with “Fear my cuteness!” written below it. It doesn’t have the same power as Dorien’s. In fact, it kinda tends to make people puke. Well, it made one person puke. Author Patricia Logan puked, but then she’s a wench and that’s what wenches do around anyone representing the epitome of sublime innocence. But I digress. Let’s talk upcoming conventions!
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