Merry Christmas And A Look Back At 2018

It’s no secret this year and I haven’t been on good terms. I’ll not be missing it when it turns to 2019. Honestly, I don’t remember daring 2018 to be worse than 2017, yet it went there anyway. Unpredictably. All on its own. Sort of like watching our President on any given week. Oh, that wily stability.

I had high hopes for this year. After all, Ralph and I were on more even footing than we’d been on in 2017, we’d talked about taking a trip together, and I was neck-deep into my new job, plus working on the new book. We cooked for 4 last year during the holidays. We’re cooking for two this year. Nobody saw Grandma’s passing coming, least of all, I’m sure, Grandma. I think given the chance of going to the doctor ahead of time instead of waiting like she did, she’d have chosen to see the doc.

On the other hand, if she knew how things would turn out for Mom and had to decide between going when she did and living to see her children begin passing, she may have gone then anyway. I’ve come to terms with their passings being inevitable. If it was their time, then so be it. They lived. They loved. They hurt. They laughed. They cried. And it’s been Ralph’s and my time to cry. My aunt too.

I still miss them.

What worries me most and what stops me in my tracks at times is wondering whether people will remember them, and how they’ll remember them. How will they know just how much they meant to us? What their stories were? What we learned from them in life and what we’ve learned from them in death. It’s going to take time to put it all together.

A friend of mine suggested I should start being more social and going out for coffee—or tea in my case—from time to time. I tried having lunch out last weekend. I went to Chili’s for comfort food and brought my laptop. That’s probably not what my friend had in mind, but I did get some writing done. I even stopped by Macomb Mall for a couple of minutes whereupon I had a panic attack 5 minutes into the visit and decided to leave as quickly as possible.

So you see, I not only want 2019 to be a better year, I NEED it to be a better year. Mentally, physically, spiritually, politically… The list goes on.

If I choose to toast to anything this New Year’s Eve, it’ll be to a calmer world with fewer assholes in charge. Yes, I went there. Yes, I called him that. No, I don’t feel the least bit guilty. And no, I don’t care if anybody is offended by it. I’ve lost too much in the last six years not to be angry right now and not to speak my mind because so many others are keeping their silence.

I’ll also toast to our health, to our animals, to our friendships, to our relationships, to kindness—especially kindness—to letting our anger go, to forgiveness, and to all those no longer with us, whether they walk a different path in life or have passed on.

Merry Christmas to you all. Or Happy Holidays. Whichever you prefer.

And a Happy New Year.


Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, and sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant.

One Response to “Merry Christmas And A Look Back At 2018”

  1. Brent Seth says:

    I will be having a few extra drinks tonight in your honor, my friend. Merry Christmas!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *