Every time I think I should sit down and write a blog post, I keep thinking of the hundreds of them I lost and I just can’t find the strength to do it. Ironic considering the title of this one, isn’t it? I’m trying to be hopeful or at least find hope in some things again. This is an uphill battle, sadly.

Mom is 99.9% moved out of the old house and I walked through it last weekend. She’s a good house, but she needs a family, preferably one with at least one child and a dog. I don’t feel bad about her being sold because I feel she’s done with us. The house needs some fresh energy, then she’ll be revitalized. The sendoff feels appropriate and the couple who put a bid in on it want to raise a family there.

A friend of ours Ralph used to live with in Chicago continues to be extremely touch and go. We’re told that in all honesty it’s just a matter of time. I’ve been sending her a card every other day or so in hopes of keeping her morale up. There’s that word again. Hope. Obviously, we hope she’ll recover. She wanted to recover in the beginning too, but now? She’s told me “The good die young.” My reply has been “Yes, but the better ones stick around a bit longer.”

She likes to argue.

I write little letters to her in the cards letting her know she’s loved, we haven’t forgotten about her—she is unable to talk on the phone and continues to stay in the ICU—and how much she has meant and continues to mean to us. If the day comes sooner rather than later and she’s no longer with us, I don’t want her passing on wondering if she is loved and if she’s made a difference to anyone.


It wasn’t too many months ago I received a text message telling me I will never be forgiven for something. And I told myself not too many months back I won’t forgive myself for a couple of things. Time allows perspective. It allows healing. I have been striving to earn forgiveness for my issues. Some I may, and some I may not. I can only concentrate on the ones I can do something about. The others? Maybe one day. Maybe not.

But I can hope.

My mother is moving on after my father, my grandmother is getting the help she needs by moving in with my mother, Ralph is working in a job he likes and heading off to visit his grandmother for the Chinese New Year, and I’m slowly but surely cleaning the house and writing again. These are simple hopes that have found fruition.

But I have a friend who may be dying, who probably wants to pass on now, and another who says I will never be forgiven.

The best I can hope for is resolution in some form or another. A co-worker told me the other day that she believes we come back around again with the same people we passed on having issues with. And we keep coming back until they’re resolved. I’m not sure I want to go through all that again, so maybe I can get it right this time before we have to come around one additional time.

I can hope.

How about you?


Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake (also to be re-published under his real name), and the upcoming Falling Awake II: Revenant.

4 Responses to “Hope”

  1. Katherine Trick says:

    All I know is, 90% of the time a person has a problem with you, It’s their problem, not yours. I don’t need to come back around again to fix that, thank you very much. As for your friend who is dying, I am sorry. Losing people who mean something to us is always hard. Hope is good. It keeps us moving forward and gives our lives some kind of meaning. I like your hopes. Keep building on them.
    PS- I like sseeing your blog posts again.

    • Kristoffer says:

      Thank you, Katherine. =) Rest assured in this instance, the fault was mine.
      As for seeing posts again, I’m going to start again. It won’t be twice a week, but I’ll be doing it, especially since I’ll be re-releasing books as soon as I get covers for them.

  2. JP Adkins says:

    In the end, hope is all we have. The striking truth is that the next breath is never guaranteed it is only hoped for. You are a kind, generous,slightly snarky, wonderful friend who I am still honored to know where you sleep. I invite you to forgive yourself for being human and not the sainted god that the staff treats you as. You are loved!

    • Kristoffer says:

      Lost a lot of the snark, I’m afraid. Will gain some of it back a little at a time. Forgiving myself will come after I’ve earned it. Am still trying. Not there yet, but still trying.

      But I know walking next to someone like you in life, we’ll be there to help each other when we stumble a bit.

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