29Apr/180

Chasing Shadows

“Nothing’s the same anymore.” (Commander Jeffrey Sinclair, Babylon 5)

And he’s correct. I don’t mind change. You’re thinking I’m lying, right? Well, the truth is I don’t mind change as long as things stay somewhat the same. For instance? I miss the way Twinkies taste. They were softer and full of flavor as a child. Fewer preservatives, I think, and a much shorter shelf life. Going to see a movie was different then too. You waited in long lines to be packed into dozens of rows with no stadium seats, hoping nobody tall or with big hair sat in front of you. Movie theaters were gold mines then.

Someone told me in a final text to me last year I’d regret some things. He’s right. I think regret is natural, though. He doesn’t know the full story surrounding the circumstances he texted about, and he probably never will. The most I can hope for is one day he’ll see through the anger and wonder what actually happened. Follies of our youth? Or our pre-mid life entrance? Maybe. Things weren’t the same then, and they’re very different now.

I dreamed about my father last night. We were having a conversation in the house I grew up in, the one mom moved out of last year. I have no idea why, but I’d forgotten my father’s eyes were blue too. But I saw them quite clearly in the dream. As for the house, it remains a truly bizarre feeling to know I will most likely never step foot in that place again, and if I do, the things I remember will no longer be there. It’s a bit like chasing shadows in my mind now. This last bit makes me wish all the more my friend author Dorien Grey was still alive. He knew this feeling. He knew it all too well.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to piece together as many of the missing 800+ blog posts as I could. The results aren’t pretty. So much I lost, including the posts about my father and when I posted about his passing. Gone. The few posts I have been able to retrieve are ones that have made me laugh, made me cry, and miss the others all the more. I didn’t realize how much of my life I put in them. And what really sucks is I sent almost all the ones I wrote the last two years to someone who will never contact me again. Not that they kept them, but they might have.

So, time to make some new memories while attempting to preserve what I can of the old. It’s going to take me a while to load the old posts back in, but it’ll get done.

In the meantime, back to change and keeping things the same.

Though, I am curious. Do any of you chase shadows of your own?

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake (also to be re-published under his real name), and the upcoming Falling Awake II: Revenant.

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