An Explanation Of Sorts

My husband, Ralph, told me his Chinese horoscope stated 2017 would be a year of change. This has held true and not just for him.

The pseudonym I started using nearly two decades ago served a purpose then—privacy—but grew into something it shouldn’t. Kage Alan is no more. The name became synonymous with behavior, attitudes, and attributes that do not reflect who I am, how I have been raised, or the man my husband fell in love with. I have retired using this name and in doing so nearly retired myself as an author altogether. The account I now use on Facebook is under my actual name, Kristoffer Gair. If we haven’t reconnected on social media, please look me up under this name now.

Too many times I have put my writing—blog posts and stories—ahead of family, friends, and, most important, my husband. If I was making a significant amount of money on my work to bring home, things might be different. But I don’t. If we’re realistic, I’m not a popular author, my work isn’t widely read, and I might make enough royalties in a year to pay for my cell phone bill…for a month.

So, no more. Not like it was.

While I’d intended on saving my 900+ blog posts on this site, I discovered a couple of months ago that they’re gone and I haven’t been able to recover them. I may be able to find a couple of them, but 97% of them? No. All the Face of Gay posts, the memories of my father during his journey through Alzheimer’s, of my father-in-law, trips to Hong Kong, posts by dear friends no longer with us like Dorien Grey, and all their comments—all of it—are gone. No Google cache. No back-ups. Perhaps it’s karma. Perhaps it’s just the way things were supposed to happen.

Ralph and I have spent the last six months talking about what the future will entail. My plan for 2018? I am going to work on getting my novels through Zumaya re-published through them under my real name—with some tweaks to the text here and there—and any future work will also be published under my real name. The very first book I co-wrote, a historical non-fiction novel, will be released in the next couple of months if things go well. I’m also planning on releasing my short stories from the Butt-Thology series in one book and under my real name, also with some tweaks here and there.

Additionally, I will be making some tweaks to my self-published work and, in time, am hoping to re-release those as well. Blogging will no longer be a priority and while I will write one from time to time, I’ll eventually have a new website to reflect the change in name. Until then, I will continue to utilize KageAlan.com.

Regretfully, those of you who stick around during this transition will notice not everybody else has. I regret my actions have also contributed to the loss of certain friendships over the past six months. These losses are on me. I am responsible for them. And I will live with the regrets and consequences these losses bring.

Call it midlife crisis. Call it just a plethora of poor decisions. Call it what you will. I also lost for a while what made me want to write. Writing a book for me is like writing a song. There’s a melody to it, a kind of magic that make the verses and chorus come together. I hadn’t heard a melody in my head for a long time now, not until three weeks ago. I’m now working on something a little bit each day. Will I publish it? That remains to be seen. I’d like to because I want to finish what I start, but only when the time is right.

Beyond this, I am taking a break from conventions and trips while I settle in to my new job, which has been a challenge getting back into the workforce after a five year absence. Fortunately, I’m working with some terrific people who make coming to work a pleasure. There is such a thing as having too much time on one’s hands and going back to work is long overdue. I have some things to make up for, current friendships to nourish, new friendships to discover, and wounds to help heal.

So there you have it. The good news is it looks like there’s more to come and we’ll take it one step at a time.

I hope you come along for the ride.


Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake (also to be re-published under his real name), and the upcoming Falling Awake II: Revenant.

27 Responses to “An Explanation Of Sorts”

  1. Monique Thompson says:

    You know I’ll always be along for the ride with you. Hugs and smooches

  2. Linda Trutt says:

    Kris, Life is always a change and at times you need to do what is best for you and your family. I know life has changed me over the years. I am and always will be your friend. Please stay in touch, I love you as a dear friend and look forward to the next time we see each other.

  3. Vicky Huntington says:

    I have missed you , I have asked after you and oh he’ll I just have missed your sense of humor glad your back .

  4. Petra says:

    I have always found being myself exhausting. Being 2 people must be impossible. So be yourself, be the person your husband loves, and anyone who doesn’t go with the real you isn’t the kind of person you want to know.
    Me, I’m hard to budge and I still hold out hope of meeting both of you for a cup of tea oin M&S one day xx

  5. Bobbie Jo Baynard says:

    I still have my FoG post. I saved it in my laptop that is slower than molasses to boot up. You can’t get rid of me. I’ll find you after I finish this comment. Muah!!

  6. Carla Nilson says:

    I would love to come along on your journey. May you find the success and path you seek. I look forward to seeing the real you.

  7. Remember this one thing. We love you, no matter what name you call yourself. Also, I’m here and only a phone call away should you need to jabber a while. We miss you! *hugs*

  8. Christel Reges says:

    I always knew you were there!

  9. Patricia Logan says:

    I’ve missed you, though we’ve talked a bit. I’m sorry you lost so many memories with your blog. That has to be very hard. Starting over is never easy. I’ve done it and it felt like someone scrubbed off my skin with a wire brush but I survived it. It happened at almost the same age yours did. I was 47 when the recession wiped out everything I’d built. I nearly caved in but I picked myself up and created Patricia Logan and changed my whole life. Change is never easy but it can be accomplished with friends at your side. I’ll always be here for you and support you on your new journey in life, Kris xo

  10. I look forward to you getting the work out under your legal name. While I understand using a pen name, I’ve been grateful to publish under my legal name. I’m glad you’re getting this chance to regroup.

  11. Christy Duke says:

    I am always along for the journey regardless of where it may lead. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you’re in the wrong and then to make strides towards amends.
    I’m glad you’re enjoying your day job and that the people are fun.
    So much love to you and gentle hugs. Tell Ralph I said hello.

  12. Katherine Trick says:

    I’m glad you ‘re finding yourself again. I’ll always be along for the ride. You are good people. I’m glad work is going well and your relationship. Sometimes change is just the thing a person needs. Be good to yourself Kris. Enjoy moving forward. I look forward to whatever you have in store for us in the future.

  13. Ann Alaskan says:

    Kris .. will always follow you, your adventures, your books, your blog because I love your words & the brain & heart that produces them. I’m so glad you & your Beloved are in this together. A new job is a major life change & strain. Do what you need to protect your Heart & Brain & your Beloved. Cheering you on from the peanut gallery in Alaska. Onwards to new adventures!!

  14. Eden Winters says:

    I seriously adore you no matter what name you go by. My world is better for you being in it, and I wish you luck in your endeavors. I also love your writing, and look forward to reading more. Big hugs, my friend.

  15. JP Adkins says:

    I still consider myself lucky to know you and to call you friend.

  16. Ruth Gutscher says:

    Just glad you’re okay.. I wish you the best where this new journey leads you.. I will be along for the ride
    Missed you.. *hugs*

  17. Ally Blue says:

    I’m just relieved to know you and Ralph are both okay. I’ve been really worried about y’all but wasn’t sure who (or how) to ask about you. I’ve considered you my friend since that first conversation in Atlanta and I’ll always love you <3 Wishing you and Ralph nothing but joy. Give him a big hug for me!

  18. Angela says:

    I will always be thankful for your faces of gay blog. Even if it’s mostly gone. The stories of your reflections on your father also stay with me. They were comforting because they were so human. Even if those that refuse to see the humanity in us and our community, your blog affirmed it. Will miss your presense at the convention. Always rooting for you!!

  19. JoAnn Fox says:

    I’m with you. Change isn’t easy but it is usually for the best.

  20. Will Parkinson says:

    I’m always happy to go along for the ride with you. You’ve entertained me, educated me, made me smile, and that, sir, is the mark of a great person.

  21. susan smith says:

    You’re Simply THE BEST under any name. Luv Ya !

  22. I will you all the best, Kristoffer. I looked for your account a few times as I had missed seeing you on Facebook. Change is hard. Doing what is right for you and for your relationship with your husband is what is most important. I feel you will succeed in all you set out to do going forward.

  23. Toni says:

    There you are, I’ve missed you and wondered why your posts weren’t hitting my wall lately. I figured t was fb playing up again with it’s algorithms. Welcome back Kris it’s always good to hear from you 🙂

  24. Bob Lind says:

    Well understood. But curious: Did you previously (2004) co-author a book under your real name as well? Amazon came up with “Honor Unbound” when I did a search.

    • Kage says:

      I did. I’m in the process of republishing it through Amazon. We made some new edits on it and will put a proper price tag on it. The original publisher asked for $44 for a soft cover. Can you believe that crap? It’s why we only ever sold 100 copies in a decade and a half. We have the rights back now.

  25. Kimi says:

    I’m sticking around. It’s what friends do. ((hug))

  26. Diane says:

    Though we may not talk, you are always on my heart. Just as you have since we met all those years ago when I was dating your best friend. I look forward to seeing your real name on your work someday.

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