These Over Those: Your Feminine Wiles Have No Effect On Me!

Do you remember a cartoon with a little boy and girl standing next to each other arguing? The boy thinks the girl should listen to him because he has ‘one of these’ and she comes back at him saying that her mother told her because she has ‘one of those,’ she can have all of ‘these’ she wants? Or some such thing. I remember seeing it (the cartoon) when I was growing up and wondering why by the power of Grayskull anybody would want one of ‘those’ when ‘these’ were so much more fun. Okay, the He-Man reference was a little after my time, but you get the idea. And then you grow up thinking that your main quest in life will be to get one of ‘those’ or as many of ‘those’ as you can. And they who possess ‘those’ are led to believe they possess great power over anybody with ‘these.’ Meh, we all bought into the lie.

I’m tempted to call it the Great Lie, but it sounds a little negative and it really shouldn’t. Why? Because there was so little information about the community back then, that children could be born this way or that we were just like everybody else. We really are, just with subtle differences…like built-in sarcasm and a whorish affection for designer labels. So due to a lack of knowledge, we were all fed the basic ideas of what to expect and strive for while growing up. You go to school, love sports, watch sports, yell at the screen like you’re participating in sports, graduate, go to college, get a job where you’ll be for the rest of your life, fall in love, get married, have children, retire, spoil your grandchildren, then die happy and content. Not that I’ve put much thought into remembering that last bit…

The look of innocent confusion you’ll see on my face when talking about ‘those.’

I dated a few girls in high school, mostly for two reasons; it was expected of me and I was curious as to what the whole thing was about. And by ‘the whole thing,’ I’m talking about the flood of teenage hormones and emotions that gathers like a thunderstorm and then dissipates just as quickly. No, not premature ejaculation. Rather, the beginning of what we refer to as chemistry between two people. It’s also something I never experienced back then (and no, I didn’t experience premature ejaculation back then either). I wanted to–chemistry, not premature ejaculation. I kept hoping I would (same point as previously mentioned). It just never happened and the idea that it might actually bothered (I believe) the girls I was dating then. Why? Because they didn’t want to give one of ‘those’ up for an unpopular one of ‘these.’

For the record, I may suffer from premature articulation, just not the other thing.

Same thing in college (about not experiencing chemistry, not anything premature). A lot of ‘these’ were trying to get into ‘those’ and ‘these’ were willing to do so based on whatever whim was needed by they who owned ‘those.’ Can you see how complicated it all got? I had a couple of chances for ‘those’ in college, but I was so curious to experience this spell cast by ‘those’ that when it didn’t occur, I can’t say I was the least bit interested in where ‘those’ led. Nope. I was still doing pretty well concentrating on ‘these’ to be bothered.

A few since then have tried to use their power over ‘those’ to tease my ‘these’ in order to get me to do some task or mundane thing I didn’t really want to do. My lack of enthusiasm typically confounds them. “But I have one of ‘those!'” Oh, honey, ‘those’ are so overrated. Come back to me when you have a better offer. Got a cute brother with a huge one of ‘these?’ If so, we’ll talk.” We never do. Apparently one of ‘those’ can’t tempt any one of ‘these’ that I’d be willing to obey. Nope. It takes one of ‘these’ to land a worthy one of ‘these’ that won’t go near one of ‘those.’

Now, I’ve tried to explain this to a few people in the past just as I’m explaining it to you now, but I’m typically met with very bizarre, very confused and somewhat piteous looks before they shake their head, turn around and walk away muttering obscenities and still trying to puzzle it all out. This is common sense, folks! It can’t really put it much simpler. Well, maybe I can.

Your feminine wiles have no effect on me!

Am just sayin’. You may now go back about your day.

Hug noises,



Kage Alan is the Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country watching, Within Temptation listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” I remember the day Star Trek VI opened. I was still in college and a fellow writing tutor and I went to buy tickets very early in the day for the group of us going later in the evening. Well, the first showing started 5 minutes after we arrived, so we threw caution to the wind and went to see it twice opening day! I miss times like those with people like that. Unfortunately, he married someone who felt a bit spurned by yours truly because I turned her ‘those’ down. Consequently, she’s made sure that he and I have never spoken since graduation. Yes, that’s the power of ‘those’ by they who are bewitched by them. I think my brother-in-law is bewitched by one, too. Sad.

19 Responses to “These Over Those: Your Feminine Wiles Have No Effect On Me!”

  1. Dorien says:

    May I suggest you consider incorporating slide presentations with your blogs? (On second thought, considering the subject matter, perhaps not.) I’m still a bit unsure as to which are “these” and which are “those.” But, then, I’ve led a very sheltered life.

  2. I think I have one of ‘those’. Not sure, I got confused after a bit there.
    But, you know, those (not to be confused with ‘those’) who have ‘these’ often use their ‘these’ to manipulate as well.

    I’ve never used my ‘those’ (or is it ‘these’ for female?) to get what I wanted from a ‘these’. I’m one of ‘those’ who has more pride than that, although ‘those’ have been historical in luring ‘these’. But it is also vice versa, and those ‘these’ can be pretty teasy, too, to ‘those’ of us who are bewitched by the face of a cute ‘those.’

    Is that clear? LOL!
    Enjoyed your post, I think. LOL

  3. Kimber says:

    Kage, love… I’m not even sure what I was planning to say at this point. I’m pretty sure I agree with Vastine, in that I have a those, but I’m so discombobulated, I would have to check.

    Now, even though the feminine wiles have no effect on you or any other man with a these that is interested in a these and not a those, isn’t it possible that the owner of the other these would try and manipulate with the these that they have at their disposal in order to get the these that you (not you specifically but in a general sense) have as well?

    Never mind…I’ve confused myself. I think. I’m not sure. It was a lovely post…if it really was a post and not an exercise in mass confusion.


    • Kage says:

      We’re both confused, Kimber. This was just one of those posts that got blurted out rather quickly and reminds me of the saying “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.” Very appropriate, I think. Ask Logan. I have lots of bullshit to spare. lol

  4. Lysana says:

    I know which joke you meant, so I managed to follow the plot. I confess that while I comprehend the majority of humanity is allowing itself to be slaved to this whole “gender = anatomy” thing alongside possessing a lack of attraction for more than one gender, I just don’t “get” it. I don’t care that y’all are only sexually attracted to one gender, mind you. I just wish you’d stop framing it as intrinsically linked to anatomy. It’d make a lot of people’s lives easier, especially those covered by the T in that LGBT acronym people love to fling around while not thinking about anyone who exists past the second letter. Cheers!

    • Kage says:

      The one thing I didn’t anticipate with this post, Lysana, is that it would be taken for something other than satire. There are some elements of truth in it that I borrowed from my own life, but it was more of using the frame and then playing around with words while trying to keep it all straight.

      I think, too, that back when I was in high school and college, the overwhelming majority of people I knew were slaves to the gender/anatomy thing. Does it stay like that as we get older? Not at all. Not for many.

      But the overall intent of the post certainly wasn’t meant to be serious by any means.

  5. From this side they’re “those”. But, hey, when you’re on that side, they suddenly become “these”. I think.

  6. “Those” are overrated? Really you brat? I will have you know that my “those” has been praised on many the occasion, by those who covet “those”!!! My “those” is one of three of my favorite assets and my “those” has given me… well let’s just say… the men have worshiped my “those” on many occasions 🙂

  7. Wait…aren’t “these” and “those” plural? Does that mean that you have more than one of these? How many, and can we get pictures?

  8. CR Guiliano says:

    I’ve got nothing. *snickers and smh*

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