Do you remember a cartoon with a little boy and girl standing next to each other arguing? The boy thinks the girl should listen to him because he has ‘one of these’ and she comes back at him saying that her mother told her because she has ‘one of those,’ she can have all of ‘these’ she wants? Or some such thing. I remember seeing it (the cartoon) when I was growing up and wondering why by the power of Grayskull anybody would want one of ‘those’ when ‘these’ were so much more fun. Okay, the He-Man reference was a little after my time, but you get the idea. And then you grow up thinking that your main quest in life will be to get one of ‘those’ or as many of ‘those’ as you can. And they who possess ‘those’ are led to believe they possess great power over anybody with ‘these.’ Meh, we all bought into the lie.
I’m tempted to call it the Great Lie, but it sounds a little negative and it really shouldn’t. Why? Because there was so little information about the community back then, that children could be born this way or that we were just like everybody else. We really are, just with subtle differences…like built-in sarcasm and a whorish affection for designer labels. So due to a lack of knowledge, we were all fed the basic ideas of what to expect and strive for while growing up. You go to school, love sports, watch sports, yell at the screen like you’re participating in sports, graduate, go to college, get a job where you’ll be for the rest of your life, fall in love, get married, have children, retire, spoil your grandchildren, then die happy and content. Not that I’ve put much thought into remembering that last bit…
I dated a few girls in high school, mostly for two reasons; it was expected of me and I was curious as to what the whole thing was about. And by ‘the whole thing,’ I’m talking about the flood of teenage hormones and emotions that gathers like a thunderstorm and then dissipates just as quickly. No, not premature ejaculation. Rather, the beginning of what we refer to as chemistry between two people. It’s also something I never experienced back then (and no, I didn’t experience premature ejaculation back then either). I wanted to–chemistry, not premature ejaculation. I kept hoping I would (same point as previously mentioned). It just never happened and the idea that it might actually bothered (I believe) the girls I was dating then. Why? Because they didn’t want to give one of ‘those’ up for an unpopular one of ‘these.’
For the record, I may suffer from premature articulation, just not the other thing.
Same thing in college (about not experiencing chemistry, not anything premature). A lot of ‘these’ were trying to get into ‘those’ and ‘these’ were willing to do so based on whatever whim was needed by they who owned ‘those.’ Can you see how complicated it all got? I had a couple of chances for ‘those’ in college, but I was so curious to experience this spell cast by ‘those’ that when it didn’t occur, I can’t say I was the least bit interested in where ‘those’ led. Nope. I was still doing pretty well concentrating on ‘these’ to be bothered.
A few since then have tried to use their power over ‘those’ to tease my ‘these’ in order to get me to do some task or mundane thing I didn’t really want to do. My lack of enthusiasm typically confounds them. “But I have one of ‘those!'” Oh, honey, ‘those’ are so overrated. Come back to me when you have a better offer. Got a cute brother with a huge one of ‘these?’ If so, we’ll talk.” We never do. Apparently one of ‘those’ can’t tempt any one of ‘these’ that I’d be willing to obey. Nope. It takes one of ‘these’ to land a worthy one of ‘these’ that won’t go near one of ‘those.’
Now, I’ve tried to explain this to a few people in the past just as I’m explaining it to you now, but I’m typically met with very bizarre, very confused and somewhat piteous looks before they shake their head, turn around and walk away muttering obscenities and still trying to puzzle it all out. This is common sense, folks! It can’t really put it much simpler. Well, maybe I can.
Your feminine wiles have no effect on me!
Am just sayin’. You may now go back about your day.
Kage Alan is the Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country watching, Within Temptation listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” I remember the day Star Trek VI opened. I was still in college and a fellow writing tutor and I went to buy tickets very early in the day for the group of us going later in the evening. Well, the first showing started 5 minutes after we arrived, so we threw caution to the wind and went to see it twice opening day! I miss times like those with people like that. Unfortunately, he married someone who felt a bit spurned by yours truly because I turned her ‘those’ down. Consequently, she’s made sure that he and I have never spoken since graduation. Yes, that’s the power of ‘those’ by they who are bewitched by them. I think my brother-in-law is bewitched by one, too. Sad.