For those of you who know Tom, he needs no introduction. For those of you who don’t…well, then I guess he kinda does, doesn’t he? I was introduced to this kindhearted gentleman on Facebook. He’s a reviewer, an author and quickly became a favorite to follow and team up with whenever authorette Patricia Logan found the nerve to try and type something in the English language, then actually post it. Not only does he have a wicked sense of humor online, but he’s just as much fun in person.
Tom attended OutlantaCon earlier this year and it was my pleasure and honor to meet him during that weekend. But if he has a weakness, it’s that he doesn’t give himself nearly enough credit. Why do I say that? Because Tom believes his face doesn’t stand out in a crowd. I defy anybody to read what he wrote below and say he doesn’t stand out. Once you meet him and once you see the depth of his soul, you’ll find a great many people start to pale in comparison around him in a crowd.
As always, if you like what you read, please leave a little love in the comments. Also, if you have a story of your own you’d like to share, let me know. In the meantime, here we go…
The Face of Gay 4, featuring Tom
I’m Tom and I’m gay. Not a surprise to most of you guys who know me, and Kage can attest to the fact that I don’t flame the place up when out in public, but yeah, I’m a gay man. Out. I would say proud, but that would imply there’s something to be ashamed of. And I’m not ashamed. Gay is so little of who I am, but some people want to define me as that one thing. Their loss.
Maybe I’m one of the luckier ones you will meet. I was in the closet until I was in my 20s, but I grew up in the 1960s and 70s, so it was a different world then. Here in the suburbs of Atlanta, I was barely out of the age of Whites Only water fountains, and I can remember the ugly signs in Forsyth County that said, “Nigger, don’t let the sun set on you here”. So yeah, I always knew I was different and had the good common sense to keep it to myself.
But when I was old enough, I didn’t care so much anymore. I’m a big bear guy, so not many people tend to screw around with me. I’m pretty unremarkable, and there are a lot more interesting Faces out there than mine. Trust me, my Face blends into the background.
I’ve worked in non-profits for over twenty years now. At Grady Health System, at AID Atlanta, at The Bridge, a residential treatment center for abused adolescents and now at Living Room, the largest provider for housing services for people living with HIV/AIDS. Let me tell you, you want to be humbled, go volunteer for a day at a non-profit. You’ll never meet a more dedicated bunch of folks, and there are Faces there that will stay with you forever.
And you will meet some beautiful Faces of Gay.
Meet Daniel, a fifteen year old boy, maybe gay, maybe bi, whose parents are in jail for abusing him and his sister. Aunt took her in but told him, sorry, no room, you have to go somewhere else. Only there was nowhere else, except The Bridge. He bonded with my sweet Labrador Samantha. See, we had a pet therapy program and he could love a dog where he couldn’t love a person because dogs? They love you and don’t ask for anything back. Daniel found he could start to trust me, and opened up about how scared he was the other boys would know he liked looking at them, and how he was scared they would turn on him and maybe I would too. I was the Finance guy, not a counselor or therapist or anything like that, so I didn’t ask anything from him either. And he cried on my shoulder more than once, and if I would have been allowed, I would have adopted that kid so fast…
His Aunt wouldn’t allow him to see his sister for Christmas and that was the last straw for him. He ran, and hooked up with his old supplier and turned tricks for fixes. The last time I saw him, I tried to get him to come with me and get help. He was maybe sixteen, stoned out of his mind and thought I was a John. When it got through the haze, he ran and I never saw him again.
Meet Deb. Thirty-something lesbian, working on her Doctorate of Divinity at a prestigious university here in Atlanta. God, such a smart, engaging, funny woman. HIV positive and very close to being homeless. She came in for assistance so she could have a safe roof over her head while she finished her last year of school. The dreams this woman has…makes me believe a little more in God again. The God that made us all in His image as whole and loved. We got her in housing, and helped for a year. She’s doing fine.
Meet Alvin and Tony and other Tom and the dozens of people who work daily to make the world a better place. They come in to work and hear the need and make sure families and kids and man and women get that they need to make it another day. They don’t do it for the paycheck – nobody working in nonprofits gets rich – but they give all they have every single day to make sure the forgotten get a voice at the table.
There’s something about making a difference that draws us – gay men and women – in. We don’t have a monopoly on it, by any stretch of the imagination, but those of us a little older, we remember when nobody spoke up for us. So we try to make the world a better place one person at a time.
Shine a light on THESE faces – Daniel and Deb and my funny love Jim who killed himself rather than face HIV and yeah, even my face. Because when we put a name and a face to “The Gay” and the people in our communities see us every day, working alongside them, it suddenly becomes harder to call us all fags and queers and dykes and hate us as a group. Keep that in the faces of those who would marginalize us and hate us and try to push us back in the closet. Little by little, day by day, we are making progress. We’re not going back.
Sorry. Me and some of my friends, we took the hinges off the closet door and it just won’t fit back into the frame again.
Tom
Previous entries in the Face of Gay Series:
The Debut of The Face of Gay 1 (Anonymous)
The Face of Gay 2 (By Bobbie B)
The Face of Gay 3 (James Taylor Jr.)
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Kage Alan is the Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion watching, Jimmy Somerville listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” For just an idea and a desire to tell a few more stories from the mouths of the people living them, he’s really besides himself at the quality the Face of Gay series has become in just four posts. He also hopes it inspires a few more people out there to come forward with what they’d like to say. People read. People remember.
Truly beautiful.
Victor, thank you so much. I don’t want any of us to forget these people that shine so brightly.
Tom
Thank you.
Thank you for being a face…
Thank you for shining light on the faces of others…
Thank you for taking that door right off its hinges.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Thank you.
James,
No – thank YOU. For not being afraid, and for being willing to share your amazing talent.
Tom
I wish I could “like” this… <3
Hell, I love this. Thank you, again.
I’m with James. Thank you, Tom. For all that you do and for just being you. And thank you to Kage for doing these blogs.
Forget me, but remember Daniel and all the wonderful people we don’t always see. And YES, thank Kage! He’s a wonderful, funny friend.
Tom
The fact that you are shining a light on these other amazing individuals makes YOU as unforgettable as they are.
Excellent, Kage. If a book doesn’t come out of this series, something is seriously wrong somewhere.
D
Dorien – hear hear! Kage, you listening?!?!
Tom
Thank you for sharing. Youre right a light needs to be shone on those who help and need help.
Karen,
It’s why I do what I do every day. Seeing those faxes smile…nothing like it.
Tom
A lovely, heartfelt piece, not too mention a very fine piece of writing. Kudos to Kage and especially to Tom, for all the good you do–everywhere.
Rick,
Thank you. “Caregiver” meant so much to me personally, and I just hope I do these people I mention some justice when I talk about them.
Tom
Thank you, Tom and Kage – this is so lovely and wonderful. To hate a person, you must dehumanize them. To dehumanize them, you cannot know them. Thank you to everyone who stands up and says “Hey! I’m here! I’m a compassionate, caring soul with hopes and fears and dreams.”
Angel,
One thing I’ve learned from all of you wonderful writer – it’s the trees, then the forest. Show us a tree and we see where we are living.
Tom
Beautiful said. Thank you Tom and Kage.
Dawn,
Thank you. And yes, thank YOU Kage.
Tom
Okay.
Tom’s pushed my buttons.
I need to unload.
Here it comes Kage and you asked for it.
Thank you Tom for sharing. It is so like my story.
So unbeautiful
Patticakes,
Unbeautiful is good with me.
Tom
So being gay is nothing to be ashamed of? No need to be proud, but all too eager to point out the fact that YOU do not “flame a place up” ? Would you be ashamed if your pilot light WAS on high? Would you be forced to be a little more proud with every flicker of light that could not be shaded in a crowd?
I cannot help who I am or my demeanor. Believe me, I spent 20 +yrs trying. In truth, 35+.
I still try and hide it for situations.
Reading your very first paragraph made me feel ashamed. It struck a nerve right from the beginning and I need to find out why.
When the black community fights for equality, I do not hear anyone saying, “I’m darker than her.” “Don’t label me.” I suppose when you are a part of the black community, you cannot hide in ANY situation or crowd.
I remember my father saying, “why do those fags have to parade in tutus?” I now realize that when you just cannot hide from it, your prouder of it. You can either embrace it 100% or feel shame. I guess I am still not 100% and that’s my problem.
I often wonder if our road to equality would be shortened if we ALL just “flamed a place up”. But, even as I type I realize that, it is all of us being different, that makes us the same.
I won’t speak for Tom on this because he’s fully capable of speaking for himself, but I don’t “flame a place up” either. Would I be ashamed if my pilot light was on high? I believe the way I walked through life would be different. People’s perception of me would certainly be different. It seems natural that they would be. Perhaps it would make me feel prouder because I was more visibly different.
Do I feel it makes a person any less? No. And I can most likely safely say Tom doesn’t it believe it does either.
Kage, exactly.
I walk the walk I do because it’s who I am. Would I walk it differently in a tutu? Yep. Would it change my heart? No. I am neither ashamed nor think less or more of a person for being butch or femme. I tend to look inside at the heart. But the way I treat that person?
Not different.
Tom
Donnie,
I don’t know what to say, other than to apologize if you misread wht I meant to convey.
I am proud of ALL of who I am, and if I was an 11 on a ten point scale of flaming, I would STILL be proud and not ashamed. I don’t talk about it, but I am a big bear. Fat, rather. And do you know, more people try to shame me for that than for being gay? But I only allow shame in if I believe I have something to be ashamed OF.
There are those in the black community who discriminate against the darker skinned and the lighter skinned. Some aren’t black enough, and some are “too” black.
Donnie, I’m 50 (add another year on Monday – yeah me, happy birthday…not) and spent a part of my childhood and young adulthood trying to “pass”. Because every single person in my life and community tried to tell me that one little stone of of the wonderful wall that is me is, in the words of Amy Lane, a pink brick. and that those colors shouldn’t be there.
Screw em. I am who I am. And let me tell you, the men I date range from a former drag queen to a cross country motor bike racer. The rainbow has enough room for ALL of our colors.
I’m rambling, but in response to your point. NEVER me ashamed of what makes you YOU. I’m not. I’m average in so many ways. contrary to what Kage said. But I embrace all the average and the fat and the pink. And love it in others. Beige is boring, baby.
Thank you, and a big bear hug to you, Donnie.
Tom
What a great response from you both.
I really fight with this and wrote a comment
to open a discussion, which I did, and appreciate.
After I got done writing my initial comment, I almost
did not post it. I’m glad I did.
Love to you both and thank you for the hug.
Donnie
Might I also say that I enjoyed reading
this very much although I got sidetracked
with the very first paragraph. Sorry for that.
We all have our demons/gifts.
Kudos to you Tom.
Shine on
I am glad it touched something in you, and opened a dialogue. And that you AND I see a little more than we originally thought!
Tom
Thanks for sharing with us not only your “face” of gay, Tom, but reminding us of all the faces that seem to get forgotten, or lost in this big world of ours. Gay or straight does not matter, it is what you do to make things better for people who need it more than you might at the time. The fact that you help people who need it because you care and it’s what you do, is your greatest gift. You may not think you “shine” or “stand out” in a crowd, but because you care, you are a shining beacon in so many peoples dark world. What could be better than that?
Thank you Katherine. And I invite everyone to take a day out of your lives and volunteer at a shelter, an agency or somewhere. It makes a difference that you will probably never notice or see, but trust me, the clients we serve – they talk about it for weeks afterwards.
Tom
Nine years working for the largest homeless shelter in Arizona for families. I’ve seen it all, from those that take adavantage of the system, to those that truly appreciate what is done for them, to those that act as if charity work is a given to those that drop down on the dirty floor to hug a lonely child and play with them.
There is nothing like the feeling you get knowing you are helping a fellow human being regardless of gender, age, orientation, race or circumstances. Life isn’t fair, and many (including myslef), have been delt a raw deal. To be there to make even a small difference will stay with you the rest of your days.
Great post! Thank you Tom and Kage.
Tom, I understand not wanting to be in the spotlight for just being yourself. It was my point when I wrote my post, I am just me, Bobbie. Not someone marching on the forefront, just someone doing what she can in the background. My forest starts with the roots, then the trees. Hugs darling!
Kage, a book compiling these stories would be awesome. =)
*Hugs* You are terrific!
Tom
Tom, you are a beautiful person, both inside and out. You are an inspiration. Thank you for being YOU. A wonderful, caring man.
Hugs,
Sharon
Sharon,
Thanks, but really, I’m not. The real heroes are the kids and the people who keep going one foot in front of the other when it’s so hard for them to see any hope. Those people are my inspiration.
Tom
Tom, you made me cry.
You’re beautiful no matter how you look at it. Thank you for inspiring me today.
Kage, this is a great series. I have read each one, and even though I don’t usually comment, I always come away with something special. Don’t stop.
Love you both.
As long as you’re enjoying them, that’s what matters. =) Of course, it helps knowing you enjoy them, too. lol
Lexi,
I agree – mucho thanks to Kage for coming up with this fantastic series.
Tom
I am glad to call you my Uncle and my friend!
Travis,
You are a wonderful young man, and I love you. Thank you for taking a moment to come see some remarkable people. You are the best!
Tom
What a touching post. All too often, I think, people forget that there are *real* people out there – that the stereotypes aren’t the face of “gay” – that we are. Real human beings, who want nothing more than to just live and be successful at whatever it is they do. But I’m with Kage – you absolutely don’t give yourself enough credit. You have a huge heart, and it shines through in everything you do. Gay or not, you’re a credit to the human race. ::hugs::
And don’t worry – I flame the place up enough for both of us…and then some.
You are way too kind, Danny. But I love you anyway!
Tom
Thank you…thank you for the work you do…your honesty…and your incredible love for your fellow man. You humble me! I am honored to call you a friend Tom.
Sammy,
I just do what I hope everybody will do. These folks need out love and support.
Tom
You are truly a wonderful and inspiration man, Tom. A truly beautiful soul!!! Thank you for sharing this.
Toni,
Thank you. I don’t like to share a lot of personal stuff (all evidence to the contrary), and I always think afterwards that I over-share, but I think these great organizations and truly special people need highlighting.
Tom
Only want to say thanks, Tom. Well said, honest, and true.
Lou,
Thank you. Just trying to be real!
Tom
What a great post! Well done, Tom.
Kage, Awesome series. Keep up the great work.
Oh and Tom… Can’t wait to get my big bear hug in October.
Jo,
Thanks. And YES – can’t wait! And to torture Scotty too.
Tom
You, Tom, have to be the most selfless person I’ve ever met. Thank you for bringing forward those that would otherwise be forgotten. We all deserve love. We are all human. And those no one sees need to be loved too.
Thank you Kage for this series. It’s helped me, and it will help so many others. And maybe, just maybe, it will make a difference in the world.
Carah,
Thank you!
Tom