I’ve been doing a little research lately in an effort to see how I might expand my audience of blog post readers. Aside from doing porn, having a boyfriend who does porn, shooting porn, being photographed with people who do porn or being bragged about for being exquisite in bed by people who do porn, readers apparently like lists and questions. Ironically, the lists and questions typically are about…porn. But then I found another list of questions called Boyfriend Tag and it seemed like fun. Why? Because I got the chance to put my knowledge of Pookie to the test! So here are my uncensored answers to questions he doesn’t know have been asked about him. Cue my evil laughter!
He’s sitting in front of the TV. What is on the screen?
Uh, he’s gay. We’re talking Golden Girls, Designing Women, Hot In Cleveland, Downton Abbey, Battlestar Galactica, Farscape and Being Human (the superior UK series). Then, at night as he’s drifting off to sleep, anything on the Discovery Channel with animals or insects that would turn my stomach, yet fascinates him despite his unwillingness to watch horror movies (which are fake).
You’re out to eat. What kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
That’s so cute! You think he’d order a salad. Unless it’s Red Lobster, he would never order a salad. Ever. Why would he pay good money for something like that when there are MUCH tastier items to put in his tummy? Like Oysters Rockefeller, Macadamia Nut Ice Cream Cake, Lobster Bites, or Clam Chowder?
What’s one food he doesn’t like?
Honorable husband does not like candy cherries. I do. If I don’t want him drinking out of my cup, I’ll drink Cherry Pepsi or put Cherries in the bottom of my Pepsi. No, I don’t do it often and yes, I warn him. I’m actually nice about it despite his incessant unfulfilled desire to poison me with coconut.
You go out to eat and have a drink. What does he order?
Anywhere outside of where he lives, a Mojito. If we’re on the island, then a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Martini. Those are typically the two he’ll stick with.
What size shoe does he wear?
A 9 1/2 or 10 wide.
If he was collecting anything, what would it be?
That he would admit to or not admit to? If he’d admit to it, probably his Kylie Minogue CD collection, COACH bags, Marks & Spencer ties and Italian shoes. Good God…gay gay gay! If we’re talking about things he wouldn’t admit to, it would be sugar packets from all the airline lounges he visits, creamer packets from all the airline lounges he visits, free food from all the airline lounges he visits, and napkins from all the airline lounges he visits. Klepto klepto klepto!
What is his favorite type of sandwich?
He’ll eat most kinds of sandwiches (just not salami), but if he’s not feeling well, it’s toast with peanut butter. When all is said and done, though, we really don’t do the sandwich thing. Sandwiches are common. He is not. And if he does eat a sandwich, it’s never where common people can see him doing it. Word may spread.
What would he eat everyday if he could?
It’s a toss between sushi with crab, shrimp and lobster (or some combination of each). He’s a huge sweets eater, too. Cookies and brownies secretly flow through his veins.
What is his favorite cereal?
This is a tough one because we’ve never gone out of our way to go and buy cereal. He’ll pick up a variety pack once in a while, but nothing really stands out. Cereal is for common people, too. He’d prefer one of the staff…or me…make him an omelette or some waffles. Or go out and buy him an Egg McMuffin…as long as nobody knows it’s for him since McDonalds is for common people. He’s all about not being common.
What’s his fav music?
He loves Kylie Minogue, Berdien Stenberg, Sarah Brightman, Westlife, and anything that’s sped up and danceable. Not that he dances. He doesn’t. He just loves listening to it.
What’s his fav sports team?
Anything with RuPaul doing something remotely resembling physical labor around a group of competitive people.
What’s his eye color?
Brown, duh. I’d be a total ass if I didn’t get this one right.
Who’s his best friend?
Miss Kim. It’s why I included her in my second novel, Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins. She’s larger than life, has an IT background similar to his, can make him laugh, and they simply ‘get’ each other. Plus, she gave me a VERY nice compliment once. She said “You don’t come at a bitch from the front or the back when you’re being evil. You come at her sideways. I respect that.”
What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn’t?
Buy Blu-Rays, buy DVDs, buy music, buy magazines, buy things that aren’t on sale, spend money, ask him to read my works-in-progress, ask him to read my published work…talk…
What’s his heritage/where he’s from?
He’s half white and half Chinese, but he was born in the UK and spent all of his summers through college in Hong Kong. Just don’t ask him which half he identifies more with. I did once. His Asian side will cut a bitch for calling him white!
You bake him a cake for his birthday. What kind of cake?
Not cherry chip, let me tell you! And don’t expect him to make me a cherry chip cake for mine either. One must either purchase a Cassata cake from Tringali’s or make a large batch of Ghirardelli Turtle Brownies. As long as it’s sweet and he doesn’t have to pay for it, he’s happy.
Did he play any sports?
He did play volleyball on a gay league several years ago when he was living in Chicago. Well, he tried. I saw him try to play. He didn’t like my suggestions. He didn’t like the pictures I took of him trying to play either. I remember him saying “Why didn’t you get a shot or two of me hitting the ball?” I don’t remember him actually hitting the ball. Well, except when he served and it’s not like it went very far.
What could he spend hours doing?
Sleeping, surfing on a laptop or iPad, shopping for COACH bags or deals he doesn’t need and all while watching a plethora of television shows. This is when he’s happiest.
What is one unique talent he has?
He has more than one, but I’ll give you two. First and foremost, he is the only person I’ve ever met who can shut me up in under 15 seconds by being more sarcastic than myself. It’s totally annoying. Second, he can be late for anything (and I mean anything) and get away with it. He’s THAT charming. It’s totally annoying.
So there you have it! A list! Which means hundreds of you should come out to play and read today’s post instead of the tens of you who do. Not that I don’t appreciate the ten or twenty of you who do because I do. I just more! More! More! More! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Blu-Rays to go order while my husband thinks of ways to get me to try and eat coconut.
Kage Alan is the Men In Black 3 watching, Dokken listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.”