A Kage Alan Mystery: Would You Like A Kumquat With Your Asian Erotica?

I had a rather intriguing conversation last week with someone who contacted me and asked if I wrote intimate scenes in my books. Provided I did, he wanted to know–since I’m in a relationship that could be described as multicultural–how I described those scenes and if they also happened to be multicultural. That’s quite a mouthful and I’m not even referring to any of the real life scenarios those alleged intimate scenes might be based on. He told me he was ethnically Chinese and fairly turned off by most of the stories he’s found online or took a chance on in print. I asked him why. Because whether the stories he read were gay or straight, they were written in such a way that called complete and ridiculous attention to the character’s ethnicity and not the act of intimacy. I know not about such things. I’m one half of an old married couple who doesn’t believe in reading or writing about the pleasures of the flesh–bullshit alert!–so I came out of retirement and decided to investigate.

First, I’ve never really written a sex scene. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I did in Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins, but it was written for somewhat comedic reasons. Somewhat, but not entirely. My characters are introduced and there are references made regarding their ethnicity from time to time, but that’s dictated to based of the story. I also took a stab at writing erotica in the upcoming Spacehunters short story and that went to hell in a comedic hand basket real quick. “Lambarte finished removing his pants and then tore his shirt off, allowing his unkempt chest and back hair to breathe.” See what I mean? So, no, I tend to cut away from the sex because I haven’t found a reason to include it yet. If I ever do, though, then I’ll know exactly what to avoid based on what I’ve read over the past couple of days.

Now, I’ve read a bit of fan fic over the past year because several of the authors I’ve come to know, love and respect have come from fan fic. It’s been seen as the lesser end of the literary spectrum, but is gaining legitimacy–just don’t bring up Fifty Shades of Grey, please. What this guy pointed me to isn’t really fan fic. They’re just short stories posted on sites, plain and simple. And they’re pretty awful.

Here’s the thing. If you have an Asian character who you’ve introduced and stated that he’s Asian, there’s really no need to keep mentioning it. “I stuck my large Asian (clock) in her tender, white, moist, waiting (ponchiki), my Chinese (balloons) forcefully slapping up against her (vampire) lips! She kept begging me for more. ‘Thrust your dark Asian (shift) all the way inside me and spray your Chinese (dulce de leche)!'”

Okay, really?

And that was just the straight stuff. The only element of truth I can see is just how badly the woman wanted that particular guy. Hello? She was gonna get some! The funny thing is the gay stuff wasn’t much better. Things like “His Thai (dim sum) shot like five or six long ropes of hot Asian (kumquat) and then he was ready for our fifth time (fermenting). I added a little spit, then stuck my white (pole position) in his hairless brown oriental (anesthesiologist).”

Wow. And here I believed the word oriental should only be used to describe an expensive rug, not a person. But that’s the sort of crap that’s out there and I’m betting it’s not written by anyone Asian. Just to see if I was correct, though, I decided to try a little experiment when the hubby flew home last Wednesday night.

That’s me reaching into the picture and letting my husband know I’m thinking about his kumquat. He was less than amused once he figured it out.

Moi: I want you.
Pookie: I know. Most men do.
Moi: Yes, but I REALLY want you.
Pookie: I know. Most men REALLY want me, too. What’s your point?
Moi: But do they want your thick half Asian kumquat hammering my anesthesiologist until you unleash a non-pirated half Chinese torrent of dulce de leche?
Pookie: What?
Moi: I said ‘but do they want…’
Pookie: Oh, hell. I did hear you right the first time. What are you on?
Moi: Well, I’d like to be on your heavenly half Asian dim sum until you roll me over onto my white back and ferment the sushi out of me!
Pookie: Are you sniffing glue while I’m gone? When the (fuchsia) did you start eating kumquats, who do you know who’s an anesthesiologist and since when does sushi get fermented? Wait…did G.A. Hauser finally got you start trying to write erotica?
Moi: Someone contacted me last week about some of the erotic crap being written about Asians and I decided to see if what he was reading was really a turn on or not. It was just a test.
Pookie: That is the lamest (Frenching) reason I’ve ever heard. Do you want to try again?

I decided to come clean.

Moi: Patricia Logan made me do it.
Pookie: That’s a hell of a lot more plausible! You’re not to hang out with her again. You understand.
Moi: Yes.
Pookie: Yes what?
Moi: Yes, honorable husband.
Pookie: Now bend over and take it like my white (birch).
Moi: Yes, please!

So, writing Asian erotica using a constant barrage of ethnic terminology just isn’t cutting it. They don’t like it, it doesn’t sound right and it’s far from any kind of authenticity. As for the other way around–writing about the white guys from an Asian perspective… Well, you read the end of my experiment. Come to your own conclusions. I did. Yum!


Kage Alan is  the Romeo Must Die watching, Fatal Smile listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” Here’s the thing. Hollywood has yet to use Jet Li in a film that really showcased the man’s talents as a martial artist and living special effect. I may continue to watch them, but the lack of believability is just disturbing. The makers of Romeo Must Die had a chance to show some gritty fights, only they embraced some of the wire work of the Matrix, only without the science fiction element. Eh. Another reason to stick with Hong Kong cinema.

14 Responses to “A Kage Alan Mystery: Would You Like A Kumquat With Your Asian Erotica?”

  1. Dorien says:

    Well, I for one was shocked! Shocked!, I say. Filth! Perversion! I’ll have you know that I am a gentleman of refinement, and such vivid descriptions of…those things…is just….well. I have a hard enough time reading about interdigitation let alone kumquats and dim sum.

    Clean up your act, Mr. Alan, or face the consequences.

    D. Grey, Esq.

  2. Katherine T. says:

    LOL! It does sound pretty stupid, doesn’t it. It also assumes the reader is pretty stupid. That’s even worse. Although, the way you describe the scenes is pretty comedic. I like reading your versions better. At least I get a chuckle from it. 😉
    Comedic erotica? Hmmmm……you may be on to something.

    • Kage says:

      Honestly, I think we have some writers stretching to be titillating without realizing they’re describing the wrong thing. Consequently, it tends to be overstated to the point of being a bit ridiculous. Yet, if you put a spin on it and do it purposely for an effect like humor, it can work. That wasn’t what they were aiming for and it’s also why I don’t write erotica. I wouldn’t do it well.

  3. Sue Brown says:

    Patti made you do it. Yep. Nothing more needs to be said.

  4. Toni says:

    I shall never be able to look at a kumquat the same ever again Kage!

    I admit I do refer to far eastern people as oriental. Here in England if we say asian it tends to be widely accepted that we are referring to people of an indian, pakistani and middle eastern descent as opposed to chinese, japanese, korean etc.

    Maybe I am wrong for doing it but it wraps the little evil geniuses up nicely in my head 😀

    Thank you for the giggles as usual hehe

    • Kage says:

      I totally didn’t know that about that, Toni! It’s funny sometimes what acceptable in one area, but not another.

      Glad you got the giggles!

  5. LMAO! I made you do it huh? Moi? I’m seven inches shorter and twenty times cuter and well…. *stomps foot* POOK’S JUST JEALOUS!!! See, I told you. I TOLD YOU! That night we shared would come back to haunt you. FINE *girl stomps away* Take it you birch and don’t bother me about it again! I hope the yellow dim sum is all you expect it to be and more! HMPH!!!!

    P.S. OH, and Amanda is SOOOOOO innocent? HMPH!!! *points at Hauser* She made me do it! Neener Neener

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