Sylvester Stallone and I were chatting on the phone yesterday evening–I was trying to pump him for details about The Expendables 2, which he refused to give–and marveling at how the universe enjoys having its fun with us. For Stallone and his career, it would be…what…D-Tox? Did you see D-Tox? Exactly. For my folks and I, the most recent would be having their truck die on the road Saturday afternoon. I had to push the vehicle into the middle lane, something that shocked the hell out of me that I was able to do. The panic of all the traffic behind us probably helped. Truth be told, I had some difficulty walking Saturday night and it wasn’t because of my preferred method of having difficulty walking. He’s over in Hong Kong right now cleaning up evidence of the Grandmonster’s latest victims.
Is that one hell of an opening paragraph or what? Once again, several different ideas all coming into a single post. And yes, the title of this post comes into play a bit further along.
No, Sylvester wouldn’t tell me anything more about The Expendables 2 than the media already knows. It’s supposed to be a surprise. Blah. He also won’t let me write the third film because I mentioned it would take place in another tropical environment where the entire male cast would be sans shirts. He was silent for a moment, then erupted with a “Yo, dude!” Fortunately, he got a good laugh out of it. And, personally, I’m really looking forward to The Expendables 2!
Me and my father, meanwhile, have been forced to take in a ridiculous amount of Christmas decor at the local malls where we walk. I even heard one child ask his dad “Is that Santa?” to which the father replied “No, just some idiot in a Halloween costume.” I totally concur! Santa doesn’t need to show his fat, fluffy ass until after Thanksgiving. It’s completely out of hand. A friend of mine from Hong Kong suggested it’s an American tradition. Uh, no. It’s a corporate tradition, thank you so much.
I also mentioned that Pookie is over in Hong Kong visiting the Grandmonster. Well, he was home the night before he left and we slipped in some of our playful banter before falling blissfully asleep–post-coitus, of course. He was enjoying the warm afterglow of being with yours truly–and, really, who wouldn’t?–when I announced something.
“You’re a really lazy lover.”
“Did you ever notice that I do all the work?”
“You say it like it’s a problem.”
A minute of silence followed this exchange, then I felt a tiny big guilty.
“I was just teasing you,” I inform him.
“I know you didn’t mean it.”
“Oh, I meant it. I was just trying to get your goat.”
“You look like you swallowed a goat.”
Then we started laughing. I got to call him lazy and he got to call me fat. This is how we roll in the ‘D’, But it still didn’t end there. No, no. He felt a tiny bit guilty.
“You’re worth fighting for,” he admits.
“You’ve never had to fight for me.”
“Fine. You’re worth paying for. Happy?”
“Much. Can I order a Blu-Ray?”
Another minute of silence.
“You already did, didn’t you?”
“Two??? Hand me the lube.”
See? I even had to hand him the lube. He is a lazy lover. heh heh heh
Kage Alan is the Never Sleep Again watching, Luba listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” Can I just say that it remains a HUGE mistake not to have had Kane Hodder play Jason in Freddy Vs. Jason? I respect Ronnie Yu as a director, but the script was crap and the casting quite awful, too. When watching behind-the-scenes interviews is more entertaining, WARNING!