I made two semi-kinda promises last week. The first was to make an announcement on Monday, which I did because I accomplished all that I promised myself beforehand so that I actually could make the announcement, and the second was kinda digging deep into my past about the first boy I ever had a crush on.
Pookie is the first person I ever loved and is still the only person I’ve loved in a romantic sense. But, like so many of us throughout life, there were little crushes here and there. One never forgets their first love and I don’t think we forget our first crush either. Okay, Shaun Cassidy may have been an early crush for me, but that obviously was never going to go anywhere since he was too old for me. I may have even had a crush on the young man who played Johnny Sokko in Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot. Ah, shades of things to come.
Incidentally, the actor who played Johnny Sokko, Mitsunubu Kaneko, passed away in 1997 from a car accident. He was 39 and, to me, that’s just too young to be gone.
Anyway, without getting into too many specifics about my early years, let’s just say that a friend in grade school is responsible for my sexual awakening when I was at the tender age of 8. I knew by 9 that I liked boys and that I was attracted to other boys, which seemed as normal and natural to me as breathing. And then there was this boy…
I was going to change his name for this blog, but it was so long ago and, really, who’s going to know who I’m talking about? His name was Scott. He was perhaps just a tiny bit shorter than myself, had sandy brown hair, a deeper voice than myself, was slightly built (for an 8 year old–I was just plain skinny), had incredible eyes, a warm smile and was a bit of a jock since the majority of the people our age who lived by him were somewhat athletic. I, on the other hand, was not athletic. He also had slightly darker skin than myself, but it wasn’t an ethnic thing. He just did. And he was totally cute!
We got to be friends since we were in the same class together and I think the friendship was cemented because we both loved the Star Wars films. He was more of a closet-fan of the movies, though, since Sci-Fi wasn’t something jocks were serious about. I was all for that genre. Horror, too. So Scott and I started hanging out as friends. Now, in all honesty, it was something he didn’t tell his other friends about because he knew they’d tease him. I was the…what…guilty pleasure? Probably. He could express his creative and Sci-Fi side around me without fear of reprisal and I knew that while he wouldn’t admit to being friends with me to his other friends, he wouldn’t downtalk me either. It seemed like a good deal at the time.
It became apparent that the more Scott and I hung out, the more attracted I was getting to him, but just couldn’t express it. I didn’t know how to express it. I didn’t know what these feelings were or how to label them. I just knew that I was drawn to him. As it turns out and completely unbeknownst to me, he found himself drawn to me, too. But whereas I never questioned it since it felt very normal to me, he did because he knew he should be drawn in a different direction.
How did I find this out? Scott stayed overnight during a weekend and while we were bonding over “The Empire Strikes Back,” things turned a little daring. Again, we didn’t have words for what we were thinking or what it was we were feeling, but it lead to my first kiss with a boy…and then a whole lot more.
Unfortunately, we drifted a bit after that, started junior high and then he moved away. I don’t remember what school he transferred to and have never seen him since. Somebody from the old days told me that he now lives in the same city we grew up in, that he’s married and has kids. I admit that I get curious from time to time and wonder what kind of a man he became, if he’s a good husband and a good father. There’s a chance I may have even walked by him at some point and not even realized it. Maybe it’s best that we don’t. I might be an embarrassing reminder of his youth.
Regardless, I do have fond memories of my first crush.
Kage Alan lives in a suburb of Detroit, MI with his partner, who he addresses as “Kamikaze Commando” or “He Who May Become His Grandmonster,” though he prefers something an authoritarian sound and no sarcasm. He (Kage, not his partner) is the author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.”