Snoring Your Way Through Romance!


Didn’t we just do this whole Monday thing last week? Seriously… Maybe we ought to just start having 3-day weekends instead. I’m betting that idea would win if we took a vote. All in favor? Motion carried. Now, on to my guy and the reason I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep this weekend.

So, Ralph flew his tired, jet lagged self in Friday night and proceeded to snore his cute, well-groomed head off most of the night. I’m pleased to say that he had a marvelous night of sleep. I, on the other hand, needed to sleep in a few extra hours after he roused himself. Now, I was bound and determined not to have a repeat issue Saturday night. How would I accomplish this? First, by figuring out what position he made the least noise in. This turned out to be if he slept on his side, either side. On his back, he was deadly! On his side, he’d just babble. Second, I needed proof since he’d never entirely taken my word for just how loud he can be.

He decided to camp out on the couch a bit and watch an episode of “Harry’s Law.” Soon enough, just as I expected, he nodded off…and the noise began. I’d already gotten my mini-tape recorder primed and ready, so I just hit the ol’ “RECORD” button and let it document the chaos that ensued.

I finally convinced him to head to the bedroom around 9:30pm, which took some doing since every time I tried to rouse him, he’d agree that we’d go, then turn over and go right back to sleep. And as the evening turned into the wee hours of the night, I’d simply keep suggesting that he stay either on his right side or left side. He did, for about 7 seconds, just long enough for me to think he was doing as I asked. It’s that whole Asian/gweilo thing where I’m supposed to be the one who obeys and he merely considers my “suggestions.” This behavior apparently carries over into sleep.

Anyway, he’d turn over for 7 seconds, then return to laying on his back so he could continue modeling in his dreams and snoring away. However, through persistence and a desire to get a couple hours of decent sleep myself, I pestered and pestered him to stay on his side.

Ralph got up this morning feeling refreshed and ready for the day. Ah, the things we do for love. And before you ask, yes, I had him checked for sleep apnea a couple of years ago. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Oh, I did play the tape for him Sunday morning.

Was he concerned I might have lost sleep the last two nights? Was he the least bit…ohhhh, sorry, maybe that he doubted my word about how loud he’s been during these past 16 years? Did I ever even enter the equation? Oh, no. He wondered if that’s how he sounds whenever he falls asleep on a plane.

I stared and told him “yes.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!



Original Responses

Jeff says:
February 14, 2011 at 8:48 am
Ah the things we do for love and good sleep. Happy valentines day.

Dick Sargent says:
February 14, 2011 at 8:00 pm
I know how it is to snore and keep a partner awake. I used to be able to shake and rattle the windows in other rooms of the house snoring. Thank gawd for being treated for sleep apnea, as I haven’t snored in over 6 months now. Although, I no longer have a partner to smack me in my sleep to tell me that I’m snoring. [laughs]

Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake (also to be re-published under his real name), and the upcoming Falling Awake II: Revenant.

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