Original Publication Date: 3/09/08
Did you ever get a phone call out of the blue from that person you never thought you’d hear from? Okay, let’s be honest, that you never wanted to hear from? Yeah, that one. I’ve had my share of people I just never wanted to hear from again or see…unless in obituary form. And no, I’m not being catty when I say that. They’re just that much easier to get along with when they can’t act like idiots or say something back, which is when they tend to demonstrate their idiocy. So, deceased = win/win. Bonus!
Anyway, being that this is a reunion year for our high school’s graduating class, people are all of a sudden taking an interest in where we’ve all gone and what we’re doing. Some call this a healthy curiosity. I tend to lean in the direction of morbid curiosity, which is why the phone call truly took me off guard. It’s pretty evident because I have a tendency for my brain to freeze and I’ll say things most people wouldn’t when…well, I’m surprised.
“Hello? Yes, speaking. Who? Who? Um, yeah, I remember you. You’re the prick who… Fine, thank you. And yourself? Wonderful! How did you get this number? *laughing* No, seriously. How did you… Yes, you read that correctly. I did update my Classmates page and this is the third book I’m publishing. Why didn’t I tell you sooner? I’m thinking that you don’t remember the time you and two of your friends jumped me after class in 11th grade. You do remember? Of course I’m not going to carry a grudge all these years. *chuckling* You’re right. That would be silly. I just write about those incidents in my books and keep the names the same. It’s therapeutic. Of course I’m kidding! Like I’d ever use your real name. You didn’t read any of the books, did you? So, seriously, how did you get this number again?
No, I hadn’t heard you were married. I do remember that vapid, viscous, viperous bitch you used to date, though. Man she was the things nightmares were made of back then, except for the football team. Their’s were wet dreams. God knows she serviced them often enough behind your back. heh heh You married her? Oh. Well…um…she was a peach when she wasn’t being a…those other adjectives I mentioned. Good heart, too. Tons of people wanted to drive a stake through it, but that football team sure loved her! Do you have kids? Really? 5? Are you sure they’re all yours? Yeah, I’m a kidder! That’s why I write comedy.
Sure, I remember Mike. I made out with him once under the gym bleachers, which is one of the times I saw your girlfriend going down on…I mean your wife…um…hold that thought. What’s Mike doing? Seminary? Really? No youth groups, I hope. Don’t need those stereotypes getting advanced anymore than they already are. Who? Oh, Randy? Oh, God, yeah! He had the biggest di… No, I didn’t know you had a sister and that she married him. I was just saying he had the biggest…um…dime collection I’d ever felt…seen. Do they have kids? I didn’t think so.
You heard they’re going to do mock awards at the reunion this year? Really? What are some of the categories? Most Unusual or Interesting Job…wow. You’ve got that one clinched? Why? What’s your wife do? Acrobatic Rigger. No, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that, but I have seen her in action on a trapeze bar with the gym squad a long time ago. True, author isn’t exactly an unusual or interesting job, but, you know, my partner who I’ve been with for 13 years has a reallllllly interesting job. What is it? Oh…um…well…he…uh…he does porn. He does lots and lots of porn, but not just your regular gay porn. He’ll do…uh…midgets and really tall people. Never disappoints with the money shot either. His family and I are very proud of him. We call him ‘our little golfer’ because he always gets his hole in one. And…and… Yes, I’m sure he’ll be looking forward to meeting you, too.
*heavy breathing*
No, no. I’m not out jogging. This isn’t a cell phone. My partner is chasing me around the room a little at the moment. He’s all worked up and needs to burn off a little of that pent up sexual frustration from not being on the set today. *loud crash* Don’t you throw that! Actually, can I let you go? I think he’s about to spank me here. OUCH! I’ll…I’ll talk to you again at the reunion.”
*click*
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Classic Blog Posts are published every Saturday–mostly, unless I forget like I did last week–while new blog posts are (hopefully) scheduled every Monday and Thursday.
Kage Alan lives in a suburb of Detroit, MI with his partner, Pookie, and their fish, all of who are affectionately named and answer to the word “fish.” Anybody else wonder why Hallmark doesn’t offer Christmas ornaments that plug into light strands anymore? Those were SO much nicer than having to look for a stupid “on” switch and constantly replace ridiculously expensive watch batteries. Kage is the author of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins and Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.
Love it!
This is so good! All the things every person wants to say to the jerk they went to high school with. I love your humor!
The irony is that as bad as I thought the reunion would be–and I only went to the pre-reunion–some really wonderful things have come from it. People I never thought I’d be speaking to have really shattered the illusions of what I’d been expecting. I can honestly say I was never so happy to be wrong.
Kage,
This is fabulous! I was giggling out loud the whole read! I wish I had your quick wit, mine usually needs to simmer a little while, and then, well, the moment’s gone. Great Writing!!
My humor has only gotten to this point due to having far too much practice at annoying people. I don’t recommend it. lol