29Dec/100

People of Interest Episode 3: Dorien Grey

RECOVERED

It’s the end of the year and we’ve experienced so much worth noting; economies rising and falling, politicians’ libidos rising and falling, Lindsay Lohan serving not nearly enough jail time, Paris Hilton putting something in her mouth not already attached to a male, Prince William getting engaged and, of course, Mark Zuckerberg making TIME Magazine’s Man of the Year instead of Privacy Information Leaker of the Year. It reads like MTV took over the world’s news channels. Didn’t they used to play music?

Fortunately, we still have this…

So welcome to:

People of Interest: Episode 3

Subject: Dorien Grey
Occupation: Author
Age: (Omitted based on polite request from the law firm representing Mr. Grey)

I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Grey (something we’re supposed to call him based on another polite request from the law firm representing the legend…also another request of what to call him) a couple of times now and it’s truly impossible to find something unkind to say about the man…sorry, the legend. It may be because he’s not shy about telling you he’s armed or it could be because he’s genuinely interested in listening to what people are saying, then injecting his own wisdom into the conversation. Or it could be because of the whole “I’m armed” thing.

The legend, currently based in Chicago, is known the world over for his Dick Hardesty Mysteries (it strikes me as humorous if the name had been Dick Hardtesty…don’t ask…crap like this pops into my head all the time) and his more recent creation, the Elliott Smith Mysteries–no, not the Elliott Smith & John Mysteries. But Mr. Grey is more than just a keen mind or Charles Bronson “Death Wish” daddy figure. He has a sense of humor, a genuine warmth and glint in his eye not necessarily caused from a muzzle flash.

Kage: You recently published “Caesar’s Fall” and, I feel at least, received some unfair criticism about it. Folks are saying that any artistic parallels to the actual Caesar aren’t nearly as factual as they could be. I maintain that there’s no way they could be as factual as readers are looking for since you were way too young to actually remember having met Caesar and sitting on his lap. Your thoughts?

The Legendary Mr. Grey: First of all, I hasten to point out that the term “unfair criticism” is redundant. I deal with anything other than complete adulation with one of my many mantras: “Utter nonsense.” And then I begin plotting my revenge. As for my personal relationship with Caesar, I fall back on another mantra: “Tell the press we were just good friends.”

Kage: So you’ve written almost as many books as the age my therapist agrees is safe for me to admit to. Why are you so damn talkative?

The Legendary Mr. Grey: Probably because in person I have almost nothing to say. In group gatherings I am often mistaken for a potted palm.

Kage: I understand that you’re currently doing freelance work as an AT&T customer service representative?

The Legendary Mr. Grey: I’ll be happy to answer this question as soon as the Paramedics leave after treating me for another fit of the apoplexy the mention of AT&T always brings on. But I suppose you could say I am a customer service representative in that I take it as my duty to warn people about coming within 20 miles of any AT&T service or product.

Kage: You aren’t one of those writers who meet people and then create characters based on them for your books, are you? You know…like half Asian hunks and then opportunistic, money-hungry escorts with dark, soulless eyes?

The Legendary Mr. Grey: Of course not! All my characters are my own totally unique creations. I find it rather sad, however, that so many people insist upon modeling themselves after characters in my books…going so far as to doing so even before the book is produced. I do feel a certain affinity for half-Asian hunks, but as for money-hungry escorts with dark, soulless eyes I have to look no further than the nearest reflective surface.

Kage: What can you add about the ongoing court battle you have with Ricky Martin and his personal protection order against you?

The Legendary Mr. Grey: Oh, Ricky. Poor, dear Ricky. And I see it is once again you who have twisted the facts (are you by chance a leader of the Republican party?). I’m truly sad to say it was I who was forced to take legal action against Ricky. He simply will not take “NO!” for an answer. It reached the point where I feared opening my door lest I find him standing there, stark naked, pleading with me to drag him into the bedroom and….well, you get the idea. I was utterly exhausted and simply had no time for anything else, like writing books about hunky half-Asians.

Aside from writing his next Dick Hardesty Mystery, Dorien Grey can be found at your local and online booksellers.

Or at target practice.

 

If you enjoyed this People of Interest Blog, I urge you to check out previous entries:

Edwin Wendler (Film Composer)
James Taylor Jr. (Singer)

ORIGINAL RESPONSES

Dorien Grey says:
December 29, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Mr. Alan:

I have not yet mailed your demanded check because while indicated in the article above, neither my “official site” (http://www.doriengrey.com) nor my “official blog” (http://www.doriengreyandme.com) was included. If you think I am going to pay one cent more than the agreed-upon price for the inclusion, you can discuss it with my barrister.

Most sincerely,

Dorien Grey
Author, Philanthropist, and Humanitarian

Reply
Eric Arvin says:
December 29, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Haha! Fun!

Reply
SJD Peterson says:
December 30, 2010 at 2:16 am
So incredibly witty and fun. Thanks for the smile today 🙂

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake (also to be re-published under his real name), and the upcoming Falling Awake II: Revenant.

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